[Two sermons on theme of communication in the family.]
Rev. David Holwick W [well-received]
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
July 14, 1996
Proverbs 12:13-19
GETTING YOUR POINT ACROSS
=========================
I. Are you getting it across?
A. Let your family be the judge.
1) How would you rate me as a communicator? (1-100)
2) How free do you feel to share with me?
a) What makes you afraid to share?
3) What are differences in our social background that might
cause conflict?
a) Do I have habits that bother you?
(My sister Kristy's visit, and strange quirks she has.
Celeste responds - "It has to be genetic!")
b) Are there things important to you I am failing to do?
B. We are probably not doing as well as we think.
1) Statistics reveal trouble, according to a study that reports
50 percent of wives say their husbands don't communicate.
Another study reports that 86 percent of divorces were
fueled by deficient communication.
#3750
2) Communication is a complicated thing.
a) Important stuff often gets lost in the translation.
As the Lewis and Clark expedition pushed deeper into the
continent, communication became more and more difficult.
When they encountered the hostile Teton Sioux, they
discovered that their best interpreter knew only a few
simple words.
As a result, understanding broke down and the expedition
was almost exterminated.
When Lewis made a vocabulary of the Hidatsa Indian language,
a native speaker would say a word to Sacagawea.
She was a Shoshone who understood Hidatsa, and she would
pass it on in Shoshone to her French husband Charbonneau,
who would pass it on in French to another Frenchman,
who would translate it into English for Lewis.
Since his English was lousy, Lewis was never sure he got
it right.
#3815
b) Families often communicate like hostile tribes.
c) But when we do get it right, communication has an impact.
II. Words matter.
A. Think of times words have had an impact in your life. #3817
1) Praise from football coach.
2) Wise words of advice from grandma.
3) Loving whispers from girlfriend.
4) Also searing sentences.
Tim Stafford's mother was a great knitter.
She never went to meetings without her ball of yarn and
a sweater-in-progress.
One of her outstanding creations was a bright red
cable-knit sweater she gave him for Christmas when
he was in the seventh grade.
It was very distinctive and attractive.
Tim proudly wore it to school, where a boy noticed it and
looked it over critically.
"It looks like a girl's sweater," he said.
Tim never wore the sweater out of the house again.
#3817
B. God created world by speaking.
1) And Jesus will destroy Satan with a single word.
2) Therefore pay attention to how you speak.
3) Be conscious of HOW you deliver words.
C. Bible speaks much of controlling the tongue.
1) Examples:
a) Proverbs.
b) Jam 3:2-5
2) It is a small instrument with much power.
III. Train yourself to communicate effectively.
A. You can do it.
Counselor Gary Chapman says communication is key to achieving
an intimate, lasting marriage.
He claims any couple can have good communication.
It's not a matter of personality, even when a person who tends
toward a "Dead Sea" personality has a spouse who tends
toward a "Babbling Brook" personality.
"Communication is basically an act of the will," he says.
"It's something we choose to do or not do."
For example, learn and discuss each other's interests in life,
ask each other for advice and give compliments.
#3750
B. It may not seem natural.
1) Tim Stafford's experience.
a) Grew up in a blunt family. "That's dumb."
b) In college, others avoided him and had wrong impression.
c) He deliberately changed his way of speaking.
d) He felt like a phony, but it worked.
2) Like using left foot for soccer - feels unnatural, but
you eventually get the hang of it.
a) Seems phony, but is not.
b) Decent communication skills lead to deeper friendships.
c) Others benefit when we know how to talk.
IV. Importance of affirmation.
A. Deliberately seek to bring out family members' good points.
B. Communicate deeper feelings like love.
1) Rebecca at mission camp.
a) A sense that she is growing up and moving away.
b) Tell her how you really feel about her?
c) Do we always wait until it's too late?
2) My sister Kristy - lots of time, no "heart-to-heart" talking.
C. Affirmation has a powerful influence on people.
V. Conflict - When every word counts.
A. Temporary time outs. Prov 10:19; 11:12; 12:16
1) Avoid saying or doing anything at that moment that later
might be regretted.
2) Examine within yourself why you're angry.
3) Then, set a time to talk.
a) Take five-minute turns voicing your feelings without
interruption.
b) The average person will listen to his or her spouse 17
seconds before interrupting.
c) Screaming, is a behavior we learn -- and it can be
unlearned.
Negative feelings can be expressed in kinder words.
d) "There are no conflicts that cannot be resolved,
there are only people who will not resolve them."
#3750
B. Limit criticism.
What about behaviors that "bug" you about your spouse?
Gary Chapman suggests voicing only one criticism a week for the
partner to work at changing.
"Don't give an overdose" of criticism that sparks a blowup
or kills the partner's motivation to change, he says.
Many couples, unfortunately, are destroying their marriages
by giving each other overdoses every day.
Constructive criticism should be voiced only when the
partner has been given time to become emotionally ready.
It should not be before a meal when the partner may be
hungry and prone to irritability.
If a partner can change the behavior, do it, since marriage
is ministry to the other partner.
And if a partner will not or cannot change the behavior, the
other partner must work at remembering that biblical love
accepts many imperfections.
#3750
C. Keep channels open.
1) Be first to break a silence.
2) Don't demand reciprocation.
3) Seek out kids on a daily basis.
VI. Jesus says our words reveal our real selves. Matthew 12:34-37
A. Speech is never truly accidental.
1) A mouth opens, and out pops a heart.
2) Proof is found when we try to change.
a) Eliminate harsh words and they still crop up.
b) It's not just careless words, but yourself.
B. We need to be transformed by God.
======================================================================
Different sermon on similar theme:
Rev. David Holwick ZG
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
September 20, 1992
James 3:5-10
Conversation or Combat?
=======================
I. The breakdown of communication.
A few years ago there was a television mini-series about
Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt.
Since they lived in the White House for 12 years I wouldn't
call them a typical American family.
But they still had some things in common with the rest of us.
The scene I remember has the two of them sitting at the
breakfast table.
Franklin has a cup of coffee in one hand, while the other
held the morning paper, which he was immersed in.
Eleanor proceeded to chat with him -
"Franklin, did you know the Smiths have built a new home in
Arlington?"
Without moving a twitch he responded, "Nuh huh." (no)
"Well, isn't that marvelous? Now they'll be so much closer."
"Uh huh."
"Some other news I heard is that Sarah Jones is marrying a
British diplomat."
"Oh really..."
At this point Mrs. Roosevelt was obviously perturbed, because
her husband was obviously oblivious.
So she added one more bit of news.
"Aunt Gertrude is very upset. She lost her head two days ago
and hasn't been able to find it."
"Uh huh."
"FRANKLIN!! Put down that newspaper this instant!
You haven't listened to a word I've said."
Without lifting his nose out of the paper, he replies:
"On the contrary, Babs.
The Smiths have moved to Arlington,
Sarah Jones is now the wife of a British diplomat,
and Aunt Gertrude misplaced her head two days ago.
Knowing her, it's not much of an inconvenience.
A refill, please."
#2306
WIVES, does that sound like your husband?
(except for the final comment)
HUSBANDS, don't you wish you could come back like that?
A. Communication is a major problem in many families.
1) Everyone talks, no one listens.
2) Everyone talks, but it is at the top of their lungs.
3) Or even worse, no one talks at all. Just icy silence.
B. Communication can be a vital asset for families.
1) Nations spend billions on their communication networks yet
family communications is often neglected.
The National Geographic told of one dramatic example of
communication failure.
Television was introduced in South Africa only in 1976.
It mesmerized people and replaced family conversation.
In Pietersburg in the northern Transvaal, the body of the
elderly Mrs. Anna Bronkhorst was discovered in front of
her TV set.
She had been dead for three days.
Her husband, Lourens, hadn't even realized that she was dead.
#314
2) If lines of communication are kept open, each person will be
able to grow emotionally in that close atmosphere of love.
C. Communication involves talking, listening and understanding.
1) "I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
2) Six messages can come through in our conversations:
a) What you mean to say.
b) What you actually say.
c) What the other person hears.
d) What the other person thinks he hears.
e) What the other person says about what you said.
f) What you think the other person said about what you said.
D. Communication is hard work.
1) We want the other person not only to listen, but to understand.
II. Ten Biblical guidelines for family communication.
A. Be a ready listener and do not answer until the other has finished
talking. Prov 18:13; James 1:19
1) Two ways to listen.
a) In one ear and out the other.
1> Mom's plans for my Yellowstone trip.
2> She didn't want to plan my trip - she wanted to plan my
life.
3> Yet she appreciated the effort to listen.
b) Genuine listening is active, and hard work.
1> Listening is not our natural preference; most people
prefer to be the one speaking.
2> Too often we filter the other person's remarks
through our own opinions and needs.
A> Wife says: "I am tired of housework."
B> Husband hears: "She is upset because I won't hire
a maid like her mom has."
3> People will share deep feelings if they think you
care and take the time to listen.
A> Children especially are ignored.
B> Parents must be perceptive of their subtle hints.
Prov 20:5
4> Listening makes you look good. Prov 17:28
2) Listening may be the most basic communication skill in marriage.
a) Listening effectively means that when someone is talking,
you are not thinking about what you are going to say
when the other person stops.
b) Instead, you are totally tuned in to that other person.
1> Most people hear only 20% of what is said.
c) Real listening is:
1> Receiving and accepting the message as it is sent -
"I hear you."
2> Seeking to understand what the other person really
means - "I hear what you mean."
B. Be slow to speak. Think first. Speak as to be understood.
Prov 15:23,28; 21:23; 29:20; Jam 1:19
C. Speak the truth always but do it in love. Do not exaggerate.
Eph 4:15,25; Col 3:9
D. Do not use silence to frustrate the other person. Explain why
you are hesitant to talk at this time. 1 Sam 25:3
1) Celeste is a sucker for the silent treatment. Deliberately
ignore her for 15 minutes and she goes into hysterics.
2) Silent treatment is a very immature way to get back at
someone.
3) Do not use communication as a weapon.
E. Do not become involved in quarrels. It is possible to disagree
without quarreling. Prov 17:14; 20:3; Rom 13:13; Eph 4:31
F. Do not respond in anger. Use a soft and kind response.
Prov 14:29; 15:1; 25:15; 29:11; Eph 4:26,31
G. When you are in the wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.
James 5:16
1) When someone confesses to you, tell them you forgive them.
Eph 4:32; Col 3:13
2) Be sure it is forgotten and not brought up to the person again.
Prov 17:9; 1 Cor 13:5; 1 Pet 4:8
H. Avoid nagging. Prov 21:9,19; 27:15-16
1) Magazine survey found that wife's nagging irritates men
more than anything else.
I. Do not blame or criticize the other person.
1) Instead, restore ... encourage ... edify.
Rom 14:13; Gal 6:1; 1 Thess 5:11
2) If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, do not
respond in the same manner. Rom 12:17,21; 1 Pet 2:23; 3:9
J. Try to understand the other person's opinion.
1) Ignoring the other person's needs leads to one-sided
relationships. Eph 4:2
A cartoon showed a husband and wife sitting together in the
office of a marriage counselor.
The husband is speaking, and says, "Now that I've told you
my side of the story, let me tell you hers."
#1635
2) Be concerned about their interests. Phil 2:1-4
a) Successful conversation is not where you win, but you
both win.
b) Take a positive attitude toward the other person. Eph 4:29
c) Seek to understand the other person and everything they
are saying, even in an argument.
III. Goal of communication is to discover what the other person is about.
A. Author John Powell has identified 5 levels of communication:
1) Cliches. "How's it going?"
2) Reporting facts about others.
3) Sharing about your own thoughts.
4) Sharing your own feelings and emotions.
5) Complete emotional and personal communication.
B. Intimate communication leads to closeness in all other areas.
1) Why do some spouses wander?
Often, it is to find someone who will listen to them.
2) Even "ladies of the evening" report that many men just want
to talk.
IV. Human communication parallels spiritual communication.
A. If our family communication breaks down, so will our
communication with God. 1 Peter 3:7
B. God is the ultimate Communicator.
1) To explain the gospel to us, he stooped down to become one
of us.
2) His followers must have the same commitment to honest
communication.
First Baptist Church; Ledgewood, New Jersey
This document last modified December 4, 1998