Rev. David Holwick ZA Hot Potatoes, #5
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
August 17, 2014
1 Corinthians 7:10-17
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I. Divorce is never pretty.
A. He wanted a pound of flesh.
According to the New York Daily News, Dr. Richard Batista and
his wife, Dawnell, were getting a divorce.
She filed the action, but the Long Island doctor had a demand
too: he wants his kidney back.
He donated it to her for a transplant eight years previously
and, if he couldn't have it back, he demanded $1.5 million
instead.
He told reporters, "There's no deeper pain you can ever express
than to be betrayed by the person you devoted your life to."
He alleged that Dawnell had been unfaithful with her physical
therapist.
The judge didn't buy his argument.
You can't sell humans organs in America so they can't be a
bargaining chip in a divorce settlement.
But it does give new meaning to demanding "a pound of flesh."
#35235
B. We should appreciate the pain of divorce.
1) Studies have shown that children from divorced families
carry the hurt with them the rest of their lives.
2) It is no picnic for the husband and wife, either.
3) Divorce is especially difficult for Christians.
a) It is hard for us to face personal failure.
b) We are breaking something we asked God to bless.
C. All of us have to face this tough topic.
1) Some will experience it personally.
2) No doubt you will have family or friends go through it.
a) It is good to know how to deal with it.
b) Divorce doesn't have to be the final word - even
in this, God's grace can be evident.
II. Divorce isn't what it used to be.
A. It used to carry a huge stigma.
1) In many countries it was illegal until recently.
2) In places like Ireland, you would be shamed out of decent
society.
a) Their culture of shame explains their terrible
treatment of unwed mothers and their babies.
b) People who felt tortured (or actually were) in their
marriages stayed together to avoid stigma.
B. Attitudes have changed.
1) Our expectations of marriage are different now.
a) Marriage is no longer for economic security or
stability for raising children.
b) We primarily get married to be with a soulmate and
find personal fulfillment and happiness.
1> It can be difficult for another human to provide
this for us for a lifetime.
2> One person has proposed that marriage should last
only a specific amount of time.
A> If you will have kids, make a 25-year contract.
B> If you are seeking financial security, have a
5-year renewable contract.
C> If your focus is companionship, make it a
2-year renewable contract. #63376
3> But for a Christian, marriage is a covenant, not
a contract.
2) No-Fault divorce is widespread.
a) Some experts call it "unilateral divorce."
1> Divorce no longer has to be mutual.
2> If one person wants out, the marriage ends.
A> Women initiate the majority of divorces. #30606
b) It is commonly said that half of all marriages fail.
1> This is not really true - divorce rates have been
falling since the 1980s.
2> 70% stay married to their partner or survive them.
3> Even so, divorce is common enough.
C. Divorce remains hard for Christians.
1) We acknowledge the pain of failure.
a) Your heart will be torn up by divorce.
b) You worry about its impact on children.
c) Financial burdens can last for years.
2) Sometimes the failure is due to us.
a) Moral failure and adultery.
b) Usually divorce is due to multiple issues on both sides.
3) We want to take Jesus seriously in everything we do.
a) Jesus has some very hard teachings on divorce.
III. Jesus and divorce. Matthew 19:3-12
A. The Jews in Jesus' day had a range of opinion on divorce.
1) Some allowed it for any reason, and others limited it to
adultery.
a) Only men could initiate divorce.
b) The key text was Deuteronomy 24:1-4.
2) Jesus pointed to Genesis which speaks of the spiritual
unity of a man and woman in marriage.
a) Deuteronomy 24 describes divorce as a concession to
the hardness of human hearts (not a command).
b) Jesus says people should not divorce. Matt 19:6
1> The only exception is for adultery. Matt 19:9
2> Otherwise, if they divorce and remarry,
they commit adultery.
B. How should Jesus' teaching be understood?
1) Catholics take it literally and do not allow remarriage
after divorce.
2) Protestants like us have multiple views.
a) Some agree with the Catholics and would ban divorce.
b) Others say Jesus is showing how marriage should be
in a perfect world (which doesn't exist yet).
c) Everyone agrees that marriage is important and should
be preserved if at all possible.
d) Even in a breakdown, we should pursue reconciliation.
C. Protestants accept the reality of human sin.
1) Divorce is a concession to the hardness of human hearts.
a) Our hearts can still be hard, even as Christians.
b) Jesus' teaching should not be reduced to rigid law.
2) Grace is always possible.
a) The prophet Hosea said that God himself is divorced.
1> From Israel (metaphorically speaking, of course.)
2> But we should also note that God wooed her again
and remarried Israel.
b) The best example of grace is reconciliation.
1> The Apostle Paul also agreed with this.
2> What should you do when this isn't possible?
3) Godly peace is the goal. 1 Corinthians 7:15
IV. Preserving marriage in a hard time.
A. Every relationship goes through trials.
1) Focus on your commitment rather than your feelings.
a) Don't just assume the other person needs to change -
search your own heart before God to see "if there
is any wicked way in me."
b) Unhappiness doesn't have to be a death knell.
Research done in 2002 showed that unhappily married
adults who divorced were no happier five years after
the divorce than were equally unhappy married
people who remained together.
And two-thirds of unhappily married people who remained
married reported that their marriages were happy
five years later.
Even among those who had rated their marriages as
"very unhappy," nearly 80% said they were happily
married five years later.
They had endured problems like alcoholism, infidelity,
emotional neglect and money troubles.
Marriages can be more resilient than we give them credit
for.
#31349
2) Try to be considerate of your spouse.
a) Sharing chores, doing thoughtful things.
b) Celebrate your successes.
c) Talk openly about your disappointments and frustrations.
3) Reconcile quickly.
a) "Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry."
b) If you let problems fester, they only get larger, they
don't go away.
B. There are resources available.
1) Seek counseling and marriage enrichment retreats.
2) Get advice from Christians whose marriages you respect.
a) You will probably find they endured hard times as well.
V. Failure can be a reality.
A. We have to live with reality, not our wishes or fantasies.
1) Divorce may happen and we will have to accept it.
a) Don't let the bitterness break you or turn you away
from God.
As Paul says in Ephesians 4:31 --
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling
and slander, along with every form of malice."
b) Learn from the pain and put your heart in God's hands.
2) Try to deal graciously with old broken relationships.
a) Even if your spouse betrayed you, be kind to them.
1> Consider what Jesus means when he says we should
love our enemies.
2> Some in this congregation have told me they did
not experience healing from their divorce until
they truly forgave their ex-spouse.
b) Divorce is between a couple, but kids may remain.
1> A divorced parent should not use the children as
weapons to get back at their "ex."
2> Spend as much time with them as you can, and
reassure them of your love for them.
3> And don't bad-mouth your "ex" in front of them.
B. Don't let the experience go to waste.
1) Jesus said that divorce is a concession to the hardness of
the human heart.
a) You may find out just how hard yours can become.
b) Search the depths of your soul and lay it all before
God.
2) Failure reminds us we are sinners who need Jesus.
a) Others have failed too, yet find happiness again.
b) Focus on the future instead of the past, until you
find happiness yourself.
3) It should also give us compassion for others who fail.
a) Churches can be good at helping widows but not so good
at helping the divorced.
b) Do not shun them, but reach out to them.
c) Listen to their pain and make them part of the life
of the church.
C. Don't make same mistake twice.
1) Those who remarry have a higher incidence of divorce.
2) But millions are able to make their second marriage last
a lifetime, and you can be one of them.
3) Base a new marriage on biblical values and not just
emotional yearning; work harder at it.
VI. Troubled marriages can be used by God.
On the outside, the Forehand family once seemed perfect.
Dale was a successful businessman, a deacon at First Baptist Church
in Trussville, Alabama, and a Sunday school teacher.
Jena was in the choir.
But on the inside, the Forehands' marriage was dying.
Married couples, Dale said, "are looking to their spouses with
unrealistic expectations, so they get very disappointed when
these are not met."
"This disappointment often leads to a demand that needs be met by
a spouse, and when this doesn't happen, the spouses feel
defeated and many quit."
Dale knows the defeat all too well, because in July 1996, Dale
packed Jena's bags and told her to leave their suburban home.
She refused to leave and instead shared their daughter's bunkbed
while Dale kept the master bedroom.
Their home became their prison.
What followed was 15 months of legal warfare for custody of their
two kids, with each parent seeking full rights.
In the end, the court gave them joint custody.
Dale and Jena each left the courtroom feeling destroyed.
Then the unbelievable happened.
Four months after the courtroom battle, Jena called Dale and an
argument started.
Instead of fighting, Jena asked Dale to come get her so they could
repair their relationship.
"I chose to reveal myself that day so that Dale could briefly peek
into my heart," Jena explained.
"I think it was the Holy Spirit speaking through me."
She says couples get to a point where they are stripped to their
bare souls when experiencing struggles.
She believes God allowed the experience to happen because it forced
each person to look inward.
"I had to look at what things in my life did not reflect Jesus."
-8-
In 1997, Dale and Jena were remarried.
Symbolizing the beginning of a new marriage but a remembrance of
the first, they took the original stone from her wedding ring
and put it in a new setting.
That day, their son Cole told his parents he wanted to know
Christ as his Savior.
The couple prayed together for the salvation of their son.
Jena says, "We have learned to find our fulfillment, need and
satisfaction in a deep relationship with Christ.
It is out of this relationship we have something to give to our
spouses."
It was Valentine's Day in 1998 when Dale and Jena first told the
world of their experience.
Today they lead marriage conferences and speak across the country.
It has become their full-time ministry.
#25593
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SOURCES FOR ILLUSTRATIONS USED IN THIS SERMON:
#25593 “Couple Turns Broken Marriage Into Ministry To Help Others,”
Theresa Shadrix, Associated Baptist Press,
http://www.abpnews.com/abpnews/, September 16, 2003.
#30606 “The Scandal of ‘Unilateral Divorce’ — How No-Fault Divorce
Undermines Society,” Dr. R. Albert Mohler Jr., President of
Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, http://www.albertmohler.com,
February 17, 2006. Jennifer Roback Morse's essay, “Why Unilateral
Divorce Has No Place in a Free Society,” is published in THE
MEANING OF MARRIAGE: FAMILY, STATE, MARKET, AND MORALS, edited by
Robert P. George and Jean Bethke Elshtain (Spence Publishing
Company, Dallas, 2006).
#31349 “Study Shows Divorce Doesn't Lead To Happiness,” Mona Charen,
Wit And Wisdom by Richard G. Wimer, November 8, 2007. Original
source is The Institute For American Values,
http://www.americanvalues.org; and Preaching Now,
http://www.preaching.com/ newsletter/preachingnow/
#35235 “She Took My Heart, I Want My Kidney,” Randy Cassingham,
This Is True internet newsletter #764, February 6, 2009.
Suffolk County Special Referee Jeffrey Grob declared in a 10-page
ruling, "At its core, the defendant's claim inappropriately equates
human organs with commodities." Grob cited state law making it a
felony for people to give or take money for a human organ. See
#63376 “What Marriage Really Needs Is For Us To Get ‘Whys’,” Susan Pease
Gadoua, <http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-pease-gadoua/what-marriage-really-need_b_997426.html>, October 10, 2011.
These and 35,000 others are part of the Kerux database that can be
downloaded, absolutely free, at http://www.holwick.com/database.html
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