Rev. David Holwick F
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
February 12, 1995
1 Samuel 25:2-3,23-29
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I. Valentine's Day.
A. Two weeks ago told a member about this sermon title.
1) He responded, "Are you using my wife as an illustration?"
2) I then realized topic WAS appropriate for Valentines Day.
B. All of us are difficult at one time or another.
1) All have sinned, especially husbands.
2) Key to lasting relationships is working through difficulties.
3) Without work, most relationships will fail, as so many do
these days.
C. God made people incomplete so we need one another.
1) Key to Bible's concept of marriage. Genesis 2:18
a) Goes beyond this to our need for society.
b) Relationships are key to being human.
2) Ideal is for us to be steel for steel. Prov 27:17
a) We should have a honing effect on each other, smoothing
rough edges. (Scissor sharpening at Cloth World)
3) But sometimes we spark more than sharpen!
a) Example of Nabal and Abigail.
b) Crude and rude, vs. smart and caring.
II. What makes some more difficult than others.
A. Example of Liz, who was absorbed in self-hate and responded
with a razor-like tongue.
1) Being burned by someone in life. (She had bitter divorce.)
2) Dwelling on grudges and negatives.
B. Being catered to with no expectations or boundaries.
1) Selfishness is endemic in our society.
2) Selfish people find it hard to relate to others.
C. Raised in negative atmosphere.
1) Intolerance and hatred.
2) Vengeance and assigning blame.
3) Family background doesn't force us into a bad mold, but is
a definite influence.
III. The cost of being difficult.
A. Relationships sour.
1) Being difficult drives wedges between us and others.
a) Nabal is classic example.
b) His only redeeming factor is his good taste in women.
2) High divorce rate.
3) Tons of unhappy people around us.
B. It can kill you. Literally.
Univ. of Michigan's Survey Research Center studied 2700 people
and concluded being with other people significantly increased
life expectancy, especially among men.
The death rate was two and a half times higher for those who
did not have close social relationships.
Univ. of Calif. at Berkeley study of 7000 people found that
single loners who shunned community organizations have more
than twice the death rate of others.
True regardless of race, income, exercise or other life-style
factors.
Risk of heart disease is dramatically affected by your attitude
toward other people.
Type A personalities, "angry heart" people, are at higher risk
for heart disease.
Hostility is the most important factor - high hostility levels
correlates with blocked coronary arteries.
People who do not listen well have higher blood pressure.
#249
C. God's people should be a sanctuary for difficult people.
1) Verses that command us to love everyone.
a) God has a special love for cast-offs. Luke 15
b) We should not be hard-hearted or tightfisted. Ex 23:6;
Dt 15:7-9
c) Not caring for needy brings us under judgment. Jer 2:34
d) Bring in the poor. Lk 14:21
e) Don't just love your own. Too easy! Mat 5:46
2) Love can break down barriers between people. Eph 2:14f
a) Whole reason Jesus died on cross.
IV. Positive ways to handle difficult people.
A. Be pro-active: personal and loving.
1) Difficultness doesn't go away on its own.
a) Don't fight with them, ignore them, or run away.
b) Few people want to be difficult.
1> Most have not had someone with enough love and
courage to be honest with them.
2> Challenge them directly, and they may respond.
2) A loving person can make a world of difference.
a) One-on-one ministry is especially effective.
b) Humbly apply the Bible so that sinful behavior patterns
can be identified and discourage.
c) Encourage growth in godliness.
3) Have a vision for who the person can become in Christ,
rather than just want to "fix" them.
B. Set clearly understood limits and consequences.
1) Improper flirter has to be confronted.
2) Most people are uncomfortable with confronting others.
a) We have to remember that those who are not sensitive
enough to recognize normal limits often need help
in learning what those limits are.
b) When confronting is done with gentleness, love, and
perseverance the Holy Spirit can make great use of
our boldness.
3) Learning to live within boundaries when you've never had
them is a painful process.
a) Most people do not enter into boundaries without
incentives.
b) That's why pointing out the logical, natural consequences
of their behavior is so important in helping them
learn.
C. Make the person responsible for their actions.
1) Difficult people want to shift blame rather than accept
responsibility.
a) Current trends in counseling encourage shifting blame.
1> Blame parents, etc.
b) After a lifetime of victimization, how can anyone
expect us to change?
2) God calls us to obedience in spite of any difficulties we
may face.
a) To grow out of bad behavior, only we are responsible.
b) Do not allow others to excuse their sin as someone else's
fault.
c) Harboring bitterness keeps us from God, and from others
as well.
D. Expect change.
1) God can transform lives. Rom 12:2
2) Realize that weakness in one person affects all of us.
3) Expectations give us something to grow toward.
a) Just remember we cannot DEMAND change.
b) Free people always have option to go own way.
c) Nabal himself stayed rigid, died from fright. 1 Sam 25:38
V. The fork in the road.
A. Our lifestyle choices have eternal consequences.
1) With time, it becomes harder to change.
2) Some move on, or remain self-absorbed.
3) Those that do respond learn self-control, find greater peace,
and start making progress in their walk with God.
B. Human relationships are important, but insufficient. Eccl 4:9-12
Writer Cathern Paxton notes that a braid appears to contain
only two strands of hair.
But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands.
If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly
unravel.
Herein lies the mystery: What looks like two strands requires
a third.
The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the
strands tightly woven.
In a Christian relationship, God's presence, like the third
strand in a braid, holds the two people together.
#2080
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NOTES
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CATEGORY: Intimacy, Relationships, Husband And Wife, Emotions, Pride, Love,
Friendship, Communication, Sex, Commitment
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TEXT: Prov 17:9, Prov 18:24, Isa 40:11, John 13:1,34,35, John 14:21, John 15:9
1 Sam 18:1,3
Number: 1262 Hard copy:
SOURCE: Discipleship Journal, #54
TITLE: Relationships On The Run
AUTHOR: Frances J. White
PAGE: 34 DATE: 11/1/89 Typist: ds ENTERED: 9/4/90
DATE_USED: 12/13/92 (in part)
ILLUSTRATION__________________________________________________________________
: The dynamics of forming and building intimate relationships.
Potential hindrances:
1. Americans on the Move. Since relationships may be temporary and hurtful
when terminated, we often choose to avoid them.
2. Busyness.
We must determine our priorities.
3. Muddling Misconceptions.
a. Intimacy goes beyond sex.
12 kinds of intimacy (Clinebell)
1. Sexual intimacy
2. Emotional intimacy (being tuned to each others wavelength)
3. Intellectual intimacy (closeness in the world of ideas)
4. Aesthetic intimacy (sharing experiences of beauty)
5. Creative intimacy (sharing in acts of creating together)
6. Recreational intimacy (relating in experiences of fun and play)
7. Work intimacy (the closeness of sharing common tasks)
8. Crisis intimacy (closeness in coping with problems and pain)
9. Conflict intimacy (facing and struggling with differences)
10. Commitment intimacy (mutually derived from common self-investment)
11. Spiritual intimacy (the we-ness in sharing ultimate concerns)
12. Communication intimacy (the source of all types of true intimacy)
B. Two is not enough.
We should always feel free to reach out to others.
C. No easy intimacy. [used 12/13/92]
It is a fallacy that intimate relationships evolve spontaneously
with no special effort on anyone's part.
In reality, relationships take time and work.
4. Unresolved issues.
Our past can haunt us. Counseling may be necessary.
5. Pride and prejudice.
We may have stereotyped ideas of whom we want as a friend.
*1262 ds
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