Genesis 16:1-6      Failed Families

Rev. David Holwick  Q

First Baptist Church

Ledgewood, New Jersey

May 19, 1996

Genesis 16:1-6


FAILED FAMILIES



  I. Examples of failed families.

      A. It can happen to the best of us.


         He was known as a gifted preacher, eloquent, intense, captivating

            in his deep, booming voice.

         He was a trustee of one of the largest seminaries in the country

            and had the honor of preaching the convention sermon for

               Southern Baptists in Alabama in 1993.

         At home, though, he said he was "the great pretender," who

            was guarding the secret of a crumbling marriage.

         The evil was not infidelity, not the so-called "pressures" of

            the ministry.

         The real causes, he said, were his "pride and stubbornness,"

            years of anger and bitterness toward his wife that led him to

               despair.


         On February 26, 1995, Don Graham, age 54, stepped up to the

           pulpit to make a confession and resign his position.

         "At the end of January, the Lord found me a bitter, angry and

            defeated man whose family was crumbling and whose spiritual

               life was disintegrating," he told the congregation.

         "I lost all joy of service, of ministry, and the joy of salvation.

            Driven by pride, I ignored my wife's appeals over the years.

         I refused to value her opinions and disregarded her."


         "Many is the time," Graham said, "that I let the sun go down on

            my wrath."

         A marriage counselor was brave enough to ask the tough questions,

            unimpressed with Graham's reputation.

         He made Graham fill in a list of all the things he had done to

            wound his wife.

         "After 31 entries, I could hardly stand it any longer," he says.


         That same Sunday his wife, Jean, also read a confession that

            described her as lacking any hope that the wounds would heal.

         In her statement, she confessed to a self-centered and

            judgmental character:

         "I had a master's degree in critical spirit, and I was not

            submissive," she said.

         The congregation immediately expressed its forgiveness, but the

            resignation was final.

         The pastor and his wife said they were uncertain of the future

            but certain "God wants us to focus on rebuilding our marriage."

                                                                  #3747


      B. Bible examples of troubled families:

          1) Abraham / Sarah / Hagar

          2) Jacob / Leah / Rachel

          3) David / Bathsheba & umpteen others


      C. Problems run the gamut.

          1) Constant fighting, bickering, resentment.

          2) Faith grows cold over time.

          3) Love lessens, ends in adultery.

          4) Children go wrong, even trying to murder parents.


II. Why families fail.

      A. We are brought up as sinners in sinful families.

          1) Marriage couples and "past programming."

              a) It is only going to get worse.        CT, 12-14-92, p.35

              b) Even in good families, kids can go bad.

          2) Even Christians have to grow and adapt.

              a) Two can become one - but only with difficulty, and a

                    miracle.

              b) Our problems and personality flaws don't go away

                    overnight, even with a spiritual conversion.


      B. Addictions and temptations.

          1) Millions of families are torn up by alcohol.


             Shani Gray grew up a rough area of Miami.

             Many of her friends turned to gangs and drugs, but her

                parents encouraged her to do well in school.

             For Shani, it's ironic that while her dad was encouraging her

                to stay on track and resist the temptations around her,

                   he was sinking further into those same temptations.

             "He's like the pink flamingos," Shani says.

             "They start out as white birds, but the stuff they eat turns

                them pink.

             Their outside changes because of what's going on inside.

                That's what happened to my dad.

             He tried hard to resist all that stuff, but he was in the

                middle of it.

             It got to him."


             On the day of her graduation, in which she was the top

                student, she looked out across the audience to see her dad.

             But he wasn't there.  He was off drunk somewhere.

             Soon after he abandoned his family.

             The hardest part of his leaving is the message it gave

                to Shani.

             "I looked up to him," she says.

               "He worked so hard for us and I loved him so much.

             But he made a choice that said, 'My lifestyle is more

                important to me than you are.'

             He was my motivation to keep at it when I wanted to give up

                on college.

             Then he gave up on us."

                                                                    #3748

          2) Other temptations are adultery, gambling, workaholism.


      C. We allow resentments to fester.

          1) In time, they boil over in anger.

          2) Another option is lifelong "silent treatment."

              a) It is the quiet killer of too many families.


      D. Divided faith.

          1) A house that is divided against itself will fall.

          2) Faith may not seem that important when dating, but to a

                genuine Christian it is essential glue in a relationship.

          3) If you allow your faith to slip, selfishness can creep in

                and strangle your family.


III. Failed families can be healed.

      A. Running away doesn't help.

          1) People don't have much luck running from unhappy marriages.

             While 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce, 60%

                of second marriages and 75 percent of third marriages

                   end in divorce, says Gary Chapman, marriage counselor.

             He concludes, "We've got to learn to love the person we're

                now married to."

                                                                    #3750

          2) Your investment is worth safeguarding.


             Last year a poignant editorial appeared in Newsweek.

             Maggie McKinney was separated from her husband after 20 years

                of marriage, and then they got back together.

             She found that no one cheers when a "dead" marriage shows

                signs of life, and frequently got the same message:

                   why revive a failed relationship?

             Some friends promised, "You'll marry again soon - and next

                time your marriage will last."

             Almost everyone encouraged her:  "Go for it!  You can do it!"


             Eighteen months later, when she and her husband decided to

                try their marriage again, the support was subdued, often

                   nonexistent.

             "When something is dead," a minister told her, "you need to

                bury it."

             The media also communicates the impossibility of

                reconciliation ("Mrs. Doubtfire" is a prime example).


             But Maggie remembered her promise of "for better or worse"

                and "till death do us part."

             Although she can't precisely describe what happened, she felt

                a sense of completeness at trying again even though the

                   marriage might blow up in her face.

             They had to readjust and still had arguments, and had to

                get used to less freedom.

             Although things now look promising, neither of them has any

                guarantees that the breakup won't happen again.


             But had she married someone else, she wouldn't have been

                sure of that, either.

             You have all the years of love and affection upon which to

                build.

             Shared holidays and vacations, car accidents, gifts, pictures

                taken and later laughed over, as well as grief over family

                   deaths have all become part of an intricate structure.

             Their separation taught them a little about what is and what

                isn't important.

             Forgiveness, they learned, is essential.

             And they have avoided (at least so far) the anger and

                bitterness that can come from divorce.


             Their marriage is far from perfect.

                They are never sure that they'll not separate again.

             But the marriage is better than it was before the separation.

             Thy have learned to pay more attention to each other than

                they did in the past.

             The minister wasn't wrong.

                At the time she talked to him the marriage WAS dead.

             It just that he forgot about resurrection.

                                                                    #3077


      B. God can work miracles.

          1) Forgiveness is a key.

              a) Don't let sun go down on anger.

              b) Even if you think other person is completely at fault,

                    you make move to reconcile.

          2) Repentance is important as other side of coin.

              a) If marriage is torn by adultery, you must decide to end

                    the affair.

              b) Past acts are forgivable, not on-going transgressions.


      C. Gaining strength outside of ourselves.

          1) Companionship (not finances) is the primary goal of marriage

                these days.

              a) Problem:  people are more isolated than ever due to

                    jobs and hectic lifestyles.

              b) By being isolated we can pool our ignorance and miss

                    out on wisdom and love from others.

          2) Seek out community.

              a) Not just "two against the world," but have millions on

                    your side.

              b) Family and friends.

              c) Church.



Copyright © 2024 by Rev. David Holwick

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