Rev. David Holwick ZG
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
September 20, 1992
James 3:5-10
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I. The breakdown of communication.
A few years ago there was a television mini-series about
Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt.
Since they lived in the White House for 12 years I wouldn't
call them a typical American family.
But they still had some things in common with the rest of us.
The scene I remember has the two of them sitting at the
breakfast table.
Franklin has a cup of coffee in one hand, while the other
held the morning paper, which he was immersed in.
Eleanor proceeded to chat with him -
"Franklin, did you know the Smiths have built a new home in
Arlington?"
Without moving a twitch he responded, "Nuh huh." (no)
"Well, isn't that marvelous? Now they'll be so much closer."
"Uh huh."
"Some other news I heard is that Sarah Jones is marrying a
British diplomat."
"Oh really..."
At this point Mrs. Roosevelt was obviously perturbed, because
her husband was obviously oblivious.
So she added one more bit of news.
"Aunt Gertrude is very upset. She lost her head two days ago
and hasn't been able to find it."
"Uh huh."
"FRANKLIN!! Put down that newspaper this instant!
You haven't listened to a word I've said."
Without lifting his nose out of the paper, he replies:
"On the contrary, Babs.
The Smiths have moved to Arlington,
Sarah Jones is now the wife of a British diplomat,
and Aunt Gertrude misplaced her head two days ago.
Knowing her, it's not much of an inconvenience.
A refill, please."
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WIVES, does that sound like your husband?
(except for the final comment)
HUSBANDS, don't you wish you could come back like that?
A. Communication is a major problem in many families.
1) Everyone talks, no one listens.
2) Everyone talks, but it is at the top of their lungs.
3) Or even worse, no one talks at all. Just icy silence.
B. Communication can be a vital asset for families.
1) Nations spend billions on their communication networks yet
family communications is often neglected.
The National Geographic told of one dramatic example of
communication failure.
Television was introduced in South Africa only in 1976.
It mesmerized people and replaced family conversation.
In Pietersburg in the northern Transvaal, the body of the
elderly Mrs. Anna Bronkhorst was discovered in front of
her TV set.
She had been dead for three days.
Her husband, Lourens, hadn't even realized that she was dead.
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2) If lines of communication are kept open, each person will be
able to grow emotionally in that close atmosphere of love.
C. Communication involves talking, listening and understanding.
1) "I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
2) Six messages can come through in our conversations:
a) What you mean to say.
b) What you actually say.
c) What the other person hears.
d) What the other person thinks he hears.
e) What the other person says about what you said.
f) What you think the other person said about what you said.
D. Communication is hard work.
1) We want the other person not only to listen, but to understand.
II. Ten Biblical guidelines for family communication.
A. Be a ready listener and do not answer until the other has finished
talking. Prov 18:13; James 1:19
1) Two ways to listen.
a) In one ear and out the other.
1> Mom's plans for my Yellowstone trip.
2> She didn't want to plan my trip - she wanted to plan my
life.
3> Yet she appreciated the effort to listen.
b) Genuine listening is active, and hard work.
1> Listening is not our natural preference; most people
prefer to be the one speaking.
2> Too often we filter the other person's remarks
through our own opinions and needs.
A> Wife says: "I am tired of housework."
B> Husband hears: "She is upset because I won't hire
a maid like her mom has."
3> People will share deep feelings if they think you
care and take the time to listen.
A> Children especially are ignored.
B> Parents must be perceptive of their subtle hints.
Prov 20:5
4> Listening makes you look good. Prov 17:28
2) Listening may be the most basic communication skill in marriage.
a) Listening effectively means that when someone is talking,
you are not thinking about what you are going to say
when the other person stops.
b) Instead, you are totally tuned in to that other person.
1> Most people hear only 20% of what is said.
c) Real listening is:
1> Receiving and accepting the message as it is sent -
"I hear you."
2> Seeking to understand what the other person really
means - "I hear what you mean."
B. Be slow to speak. Think first. Speak as to be understood.
Prov 15:23,28; 21:23; 29:20; Jam 1:19
C. Speak the truth always but do it in love. Do not exaggerate.
Eph 4:15,25; Col 3:9
D. Do not use silence to frustrate the other person. Explain why
you are hesitant to talk at this time. 1 Sam 25:3
1) Celeste is a sucker for the silent treatment. Deliberately
ignore her for 15 minutes and she goes into hysterics.
2) Silent treatment is a very immature way to get back at
someone.
3) Do not use communication as a weapon.
E. Do not become involved in quarrels. It is possible to disagree
without quarreling. Prov 17:14; 20:3; Rom 13:13; Eph 4:31
F. Do not respond in anger. Use a soft and kind response.
Prov 14:29; 15:1; 25:15; 29:11; Eph 4:26,31
G. When you are in the wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.
James 5:16
1) When someone confesses to you, tell them you forgive them.
Eph 4:32; Col 3:13
2) Be sure it is forgotten and not brought up to the person again.
Prov 17:9; 1 Cor 13:5; 1 Pet 4:8
H. Avoid nagging. Prov 21:9,19; 27:15-16
1) Magazine survey found that wife's nagging irritates men
more than anything else.
I. Do not blame or criticize the other person.
1) Instead, restore ... encourage ... edify.
Rom 14:13; Gal 6:1; 1 Thess 5:11
2) If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, do not
respond in the same manner. Rom 12:17,21; 1 Pet 2:23; 3:9
J. Try to understand the other person's opinion.
1) Ignoring the other person's needs leads to one-sided
relationships. Eph 4:2
A cartoon showed a husband and wife sitting together in the
office of a marriage counselor.
The husband is speaking, and says, "Now that I've told you
my side of the story, let me tell you hers."
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2) Be concerned about their interests. Phil 2:1-4
a) Successful conversation is not where you win, but you
both win.
b) Take a positive attitude toward the other person. Eph 4:29
c) Seek to understand the other person and everything they
are saying, even in an argument.
III. Goal of communication is to discover what the other person is about.
A. Author John Powell has identified 5 levels of communication:
1) Cliches. "How's it going?"
2) Reporting facts about others.
3) Sharing about your own thoughts.
4) Sharing your own feelings and emotions.
5) Complete emotional and personal communication.
B. Intimate communication leads to closeness in all other areas.
1) Why do some spouses wander?
Often, it is to find someone who will listen to them.
2) Even "ladies of the evening" report that many men just want
to talk.
IV. Human communication parallels spiritual communication.
A. If our family communication breaks down, so will our
communication with God. 1 Peter 3:7
B. God is the ultimate Communicator.
1) To explain the gospel to us, he stooped down to become one
of us.
2) His followers must have the same commitment to honest
communication.
-------------------------- Notes --------------------------------
Wright, Communication: Key to Your Marriage
I. What is communication?
A. Communication involves talking, listening and understanding.
1) "I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
2) Six messages can come through in our conversations:
a) What you mean to say.
b) What you actually say.
c) What the other person hears.
d) What the other person thinks he hears.
e) What the other person says about what you said.
f) What you think the other person said about what you said.
B. Communication is hard work.
1) We want the other person not only to listen, but to
understand.
II. Listening and talking.
A. Listening may be the most basic communication skill in marriage.
1) Many counselors say the #1 problem in marriage is poor
communication.
a) Most people hear only about 20% of what is said.
2) Listening effectively means that when someone is talking,
you are not thinking about what you are going to say
when the other person stops.
a) Instead, you are totally tuned in to that other person.
B. Real listening is:
1) Receiving and accepting the message as it is sent -
"I hear you."
2) Seeking to understand what the other person really means -
"I hear what you mean."
C. Listening is active reaching out, not merely passive.
1) Listening is not our natural preference; most people
prefer to be the one speaking.
2) Too often we filter the other person's remarks through
our own opinions and needs.
a) Wife says: "I am tired of housework."
b) Husband hears: "She is upset because I won't hire
a maid like her mom has."
III. The Bible and word power.
A. Communication is powerful.
PRO 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love
it will eat its fruit.
PRO 26:22 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to
a man's inmost parts.
JOB 19:2 "How long will you torment me and crush me with words?
B. We must learn to control the tongue.
JAM 3:2 We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what
he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.
JAM 3:3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us,
we can turn the whole animal.
JAM 3:4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are
driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever
the pilot wants to go.
JAM 3:5 Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes
great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small
spark.
JAM 3:6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the
body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on
fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
JAM 3:7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea
are being tamed and have been tamed by man,
JAM 3:8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of
deadly poison.
JAM 3:9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we
curse men, who have been made in God's likeness.
JAM 3:10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this
should not be.
1) One remark can damage a marriage.
a) More typical is the damage caused by nagging and sniping.
2) Do not immediately blurt out what you think or feel.
PRO 29:20 Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a
fool than for him.
1PE 3:10 For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his
tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.
PRO 25:11 A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of
silver.
PRO 15:23 A man finds joy in giving an apt reply--and how good is a
timely word!
C. The importance of listening.
1) The Lord created humans with one mouth and two ears to indicate
how much talking and how much listening we should do.
PRO 18:13 He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his
shame.
2) Do not jump to conclusions.
JAM 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to
listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
D. When husband and wife start to listen to one another an amazing
thing happens: they star to feel understood by each other.
IV. Communication as understanding.
A. The major source of frustration for wives by their husbands is that
MEN DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH OR LISTEN TO THEIR WIVES.
1) Too often husbands and wives concentrate on the talking aspect
of communication because they are overly concerned about
getting their ideas across.
2) Many conversations are dominated with responses like "unhuh,"
"yes," and "I see."
B. Four reasons for not communicating.
1) A few people do not have the ability to talk with another.
2) Others are fearful of exposing what they feel or think.
3) Others feel talking won't do any good.
4) They may feel they have nothing to offer.
C. Five levels of communication. (John Powell)
1) Cliche conversation.
2) Reporting the facts about others.
3) My ideas and judgments.
4) My feelings or emotions.
5) Complete emotional and personal truthful communication.
D. Spiritual aspects of communication.
1) Christ accepts us.
2) We accept Christ's love.
3) We accept ourselves.
4) We accept others.
5) We communicate!
V. Anger.
A. Positive points.
1) Threats to our survival can spur us on to impossible feats.
2) Anger of injustice should motivate us to act.
B. Negative points.
1) Usually motivated by selfishness.
2) Anger conceals itself behind our other emotions.
3) It often produces behavior which prevents communication.
C. Some Biblical thoughts on anger.
1) Some kinds of anger must be put away. Eph 4:31
a) Especially anger which seeks revenge.
2) Do not provoke others to anger. Prov 20:2; Col 3:21
3) Be slow to anger. Prov 16:32
4) Some anger is justified. Mark 3:5
5) Do not let anger last until morning. Eph 4:26
D. How we respond to anger.
1) We suppress anger.
2) We express anger.
3) We repress anger. (Worst possible response.)
4) We confess anger. Eph 4:26-27
E. How to handle anger.
1) A critical attitude can lead to anger.
2) Anger expressed in unhealthy ways can be damaging:
a) Ignore your emotional reactions.
b) Keep your anger in the pit of your stomach.
c) Keep on denying your emotions.
d) Keep your mind on the argument and revenge.
e) Blame your spouse - surely it's their fault!
f) Do not learn from your emotions.
3) Healthy reactions to anger:
a) Be aware of your emotions.
b) Do not be afraid to admit your emotion.
c) Investigate how the emotion got there.
d) Share your emotion with your spouse.
e) Decide what to do with your emotion.
F. Practical principles for handling anger.
1) Be aware of your emotional reactions.
2) Recognize your emotions and admit you have the feeling.
3) Try to understand why you have anger.
a) Frustrated?
b) Your security threatened?
c) Injustice?
4) Can you create other situations in which anger won't occur?
5) Is anger the best response? What is?
6) Is your anger the kind that rises too soon?
7) Do you find yourself being critical of others?
8) Use timing, tact and a positive attitude when expressing
legitimate anger or criticism.
9) Find a friend with whom you can talk over your feelings.
10) Spend time praying for the difficulty you've had with feelings.
G. How to be a Christian and angry. Eph 3:16-21
1) It must be directed at something wrong and evil.
2) It must be controlled and not heated.
3) There must be no hatred, malice or resentment.
VI. The high cost of anxiety.
A. Definition of worry and anxiety.
B. How you can win over worry.
1) Do not try to face your troubles on your own.
2) Remember you have a choice of who "runs the ranch."
3) Concentrate on reality.
4) Be honest with yourself and accept your problems.
5) Think in terms of possible solutions.
6) Actively work on solutions.
7) Do not concentrate on things that trouble you.
8) Accept what can't be changed.
Reinhold Niebuhr's prayer:
"O God, give us serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
courage to change what should be changed, and wisdom to
distinguish the one from the other."
9) Keep values straight. Matt 6:25
10) Live one day at a time.
VII. How to cope with conflict.
A. Do not avoid conflict with the "silent treatment."
B. Do not save "emotional trading stamps."
C. Prepare the setting for disagreement.
D. Attack the problem, not each other.
1) Back up accusations with facts.
2) Remember to forget.
3) No cracks about in-laws or relatives.
4) No cracks about your mate's appearance.
5) No dramatics.
E. Do not throw your feelings at your spouse.
F. Stay on the subject.
G. Offer solutions with criticisms.
H. Never say, "You never..." or "You always..."
1) Turn down the volume.
2) Do not exaggerate.
I. Do not use criticism to become a comedian.
J. When you're wrong, admit; when you're right, shut up.
1) Be humble - you could be wrong.
VIII. Communicate to build self-esteem.
A. Make it safe to communicate.
B. Seek to understand, not to be understood.
C. Listen - don't interrupt.
D. Do not nag.
E. Do not jump to conclusions.
F. Disagree? Yes. Disrespect? No!
G. Deal in Potential - not the past.
H. Do not force your spouse to be your carbon copy.
I. Pray for one another.
IX. Marriage communication guidelines.
A. Be a ready listener and do not answer until the other has
finished talking. Prov 18:13; James 1:19
B. Be slow to speak. Think first. Speak as to be understood.
Prov 15:23,28; 21:23; 29:20; Jam 1:19
C. Speak the truth always but do it in love. Do not exaggerate.
Eph 4:15,25; Col 3:9
D. Do not use silence to frustrate the other person. Explain why
you are hesitant to talk at this time. 1 Sam 25:3
E. Do not become involved in quarrels. It is possible to disagree
without quarreling. Prov 17:14; 20:3; Rom 13:13; Eph 4:31
F. Do not respond in anger. Use a soft and kind response.
Prov 14:29; 15:1; 25:15; 29:11; Eph 4:26,31
G. When you are in the wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.
When someone confesses to you, tell them you forgive them.
Be sure it is forgotten and not brought up to the person again.
Jam 5:16; Prov 17:9; Eph 4:32; Col 3:13; 1 Cor 13:5; 1 Pet 4:8
H. Avoid nagging. Prov 10:19; 17:9; 20:5
I. Do not blame or criticize the other person. Instead, restore ...
encourage ... edify. Rom 14:13; Gal 6:1; 1 Thess 5:11
If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, do not
respond in the same manner. Rom 12:17,21; 1 Pet 2:23; 3:9
J. Try to understand the other person's opinion. Make allowances for
differences. Be concerned about their interests.
Phil 2:1-4; Eph 4:2
Copyright © 2024 by Rev. David Holwick
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