Rev. David Holwick ZJ Questions People Ask topical series
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
November 17, 2002
Matthew 19:3-12
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I. A touchy subject.
A. Evangelical divorce statistics.
1) They are not encouraging:
Barna Research Group reports that finds Christians are
3 percent more likely to divorce than non-Christians.
Atheists are less likely to end their marriage than
born-again believers! #22589
2) Like it or not, it touches almost every family - your
grandkids, children, or you yourself.
a) For many, it is not only a crisis of relationships but
of their faith.
b) Why would a loving God allow his people to go through
such pain?
B. Divorce produces lots of guilt.
1) Guilt, not God's will, was reason divorce used to be hard.
a) Everyone in town talked about you.
b) For a pastor, divorce was the kiss of death.
1> Automatic rejection by a church. Still mostly true.
2) Catholics must get special dispensation from Pope himself.
a) Led to hypocrisy of Hepburn and Tracy relationship.
(They lived together for many years rather than marry
because he could not divorce his Catholic wife.)
3) Divorce is also traumatic - only death of spouse causes
more stress.
C. How should Christians handle the issue?
1) Cave in to culture?
2) Face reality of what Jesus teaches?
II. God's ideal.
A. One each is enough - no polygamy. Genesis 2
1) What about those guys in Bible?
a) God allowed it.
b) He also warned them of the dangers:
1> Divided families. (David and sons)
2> Dilution of faith, idolatry. Deut 17:17
2) Jesus points to ideal in Garden of Eden. Matt 19:4
a) One man, one woman.
B. Together for life - no divorce.
1) Malachi - God hates divorce. Malachi 2:16
a) Only death should break the bond.
b) Common modern practice is equivalent to serial polygamy.
1> Multiple spouses, but only one at a time.
2) Jesus: divorce results in adultery. Matthew 19:9...
also 5:31-32
a) Very hard saying - even disciples thought so!
Jesus was so strict they thought marriage would be
out of the question. I take Jesus' response to mean
singleness requires a special gift from God - the norm
is to get married.
b) Debate: are Jesus' words meant as an ironclad law
for society, or the ideal which will exist in God's
Kingdom (and only rarely here on earth)?
Consider his statements on plucking out your eyes
over lust. [All the men in Ledgewood Baptist have
full eyesight]
C. Genuine love - not just "for sake of the kids."
1) Proverbs especially, highlights joys of marriage.
2) Marriage should be a good thing. Proverbs 18:22
D. Covenantal love.
1) Marriage is based on a covenant between us and God.
A covenant is a special contract: a superior (ie, God)
proposes the stipulations and the applicants accept it or
reject it. There is no "negotiation" allowed.
2) Living together is not the same thing as marriage.
a) Studies have found that cohabitors are more like
single people than married people.
b) There is no substitute for commitment!
E. Work out problems - reconcile. 1 Cor 7:11
1) Even good marriages can face hard issues.
2) Work them through.
3) Confront your own sinful nature.
4) Learn to forgive and love.
a) Remember - Jesus says you can love an enemy!
III. The hardness of the human heart.
A. Sin is real. Relationships can fail.
1) God's ideal is not always possible.
2) The Bible allows divorce.
3) God himself is divorced! Jeremiah 3:8
B. The Biblical grounds for divorce.
1) Throughout time, people have eagerly debated them.
a) Burnt toast vs. adultery. Deut 24:1; cf. Matt 19:3
Note that Jesus adopted the strictest view.
b) We seem more interested in how to break up than how
to stay together.
2) Some Jews saw divorce as a command of God. Matt 19:7
a) Jesus corrects them - it is a concession only.
b) He acknowledged the hardness of human hearts. Matt 19:8
3) Limited Biblical grounds for divorce.
a) Jesus - unfaithfulness. Matt 19:19
1> Premarital sex?
2> Adultery?
3> Marriage within restricted bounds (siblings)?
b) Paul - abandonment by non-believing spouse. 1 Cor 7:15
C. A more difficult issue - remarriage.
1) Improper divorce and remarriage leads to perpetual adultery.
a) Reason for Catholicism's tough stance.
b) (Also reason so many Catholics ask me to marry them.)
1> Irony - a murderer can take communion after he
confesses but a remarried Catholic cannot.
2) Proper divorce does NOT result in adultery. (Protestants)
a) By implication, remarriage would be permitted.
b) Even if divorce is improper (if you were the adulterer)
forgiveness is available.
3) Critical point - are we truly repentant?
a) Many divorced people repeat mistakes with next marriage.
b) Face up to reasons your marriage failed.
c) Learn from your mistakes and personal shortcomings.
d) Make a hard-nosed assessment of your walk with God.
IV. Building better relationships.
A. God made us to need other people.
1) Relationships matter whether single, married, or divorced.
2) We have to work at them to be successful.
3) As a matter of fact, each requires a gift from God.
B. Sinners can be redeemed.
1) Every spouse wants to change the other partner.
a) Only God can really change people.
b) Be open to God changing YOU.
2) Be willing to accept differences in your spouse.
C. Learn how to love and forgive.
1) Loving.
a) Find it at home, not in someone else's arms.
b) Practice active love in your actions and words.
2) Forgiving.
a) Forgive just as Jesus forgives us.
b) All of us need it from God. Each of us should be able
to share it with others, especially in our families.
c) There are no conflicts that cannot be resolved,
there are only people who will not resolve them.
D. Build love through communication.
1) According to counselor Gary Chapman, communication is
basically an act of the will: It's something we choose
to do or not do." #3750
2) Learn and discuss each other's interests in life.
a) Ask each other for advice.
b) Give compliments.
3) Go deeper.
a) Read marriage enrichment books.
b) Have the courage to apologize for words and actions
that have built walls in your relationship.
E. Put God at the center.
1) Churches should help people stay together.
a) Don't wait till they are falling apart.
2) Your marriage may be an example to someone else.
3) Pray together, if only silently, holding hands. (Chapman)
V. Are you SPIRITUALLY divorced?
A. Those in rebellion against God are divorced from him.
1) Those who have never believed in him.
2) Those who have believed, but have drifted away.
B. He wants you to come home.
1) Hosea - God wants to allure Israel back.
Divorce is not God's last word - reconciliation is!
2) He wants YOU to come back.
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SOURCES FOR ILLUSTRATIONS USED IN THIS SERMON:
# 3750 "Marriage Can Work By Communicating, Not Running," by
Art Toalston, Online Christianity Today (America Online),
September 11, 1995.
#22589 "Study Reveals Christians More Likely To Divorce Than
Non-Christians," by Andy Butcher. Kudra Collection.
These and 20,000 others are part of a database that can be downloaded,
absolutely free, at http://www.holwick.com/database.html
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