Rev. David Holwick ZF "Setting Boundaries" series
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
October 5, 2003
Matthew 5:23-26
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I. Fire fighters or starters?
The Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported that firefighters in
Genoa, Texas, were accused of deliberately setting more than
forty destructive fires.
When caught, they stated, "We had nothing to do.
We just wanted to get the red lights flashing and the bells
clanging."
The job of firefighters is to put out fires, not start them.
The job of Christians is to help resolve conflict, not start
more of it. #3947
II. Conflict is difficult to handle.
A. Many people avoid conflict.
1) Typical of co-dependent-type people.
2) Conflict is the ultimate "boundary" assault.
a) It is not just a matter of personal space.
b) It could end up being a matter of fist meeting face.
B. A few learn to rise above conflict.
1) Mary Hammond avoided all forms of conflict, then was
persuaded to run for the local school board.
a) She won...depending on how you look at it.
2) She learned to handle angry phone calls.
a) She listened quietly.
b) She asked questions and took notes.
c) She reflected on issue and called them back.
1> Time to gather more information.
2> Time to let caller cool off.
C. Handled correctly, conflict can lead to growth.
1) Don't be afraid of it - use it.
2) The world needs people who can resolve conflict.
a) As Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers.
III. Jesus faced conflict throughout his ministry.
A. Opposition from religious leaders.
1) In Mark's gospel, the second chapter deals entirely with
his opponents. He had just started out!
B. Death threats were common until ultimately he was executed.
IV. Jesus used different approaches in dealing with conflict.
A. Sometimes Jesus walked away. Luke 4:23-30
1) Confrontation in Nazareth.
a) Healing leads to conflict and mob action.
b) As he is hauled to cliff, he walks through the crowd.
2) Jesus himself had limited influence at times.
a) He did few miracles there because of unbelief.
3) Should we ever walk away?
a) Some use separation to deal with troubled marriages.
1> We cannot always change our "opponent."
2> But we can take responsibility for our own actions.
b) Walking away can be a cop-out.
[I omitted this illustration from the spoken sermon. It
is cute but too extraneous from the main point.]
A New Jersey lawyer went duck hunting in the mountains of
East Tennessee.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
"I shot this duck, and it fell in this field, and now I'm
going in to retrieve it."
"This is my property," the old farmer replied.
"And you are not coming over here."
"I'm one of the best trial lawyers in New Jersey," said
the lawyer.
"And if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts
of Tennessee," said the farmer.
"We settle disagreements like this with the Tennessee
three-kick rule."
"And just what is the Tennessee three-kick rule?"
"Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone
gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take on the old-timer.
He agreed to the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the city slicker.
His first kick planted the steel toe of his heavy work boot
in the lawyer's shin. The man fell to his knees.
His second kick nearly put a hole in the man's stomach.
The old man then quickly delivered the third kick to the
side of the attorney's head.
Slowly, the disoriented lawyer managed to get to his feet.
"OK, you old codger," he said, "now it's my turn."
The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.
You can have the duck."
And he walked away.
#13587
1> But in some conflicts, disengagement can help.
2> Are emotions too high? No common ground?
3> Unhealthy cycles must be broken, and walking away
may accomplish this.
B. He often diffused conflict by challenging his opponents. John 8
1) He challenged them to take a new perspective. John 8:4-7
a) Most conflicts hide the real issues.
b) In John 8, they really want to get rid of Jesus,
not judge the woman.
c) He redirected the conflict to the real issue at hand.
2) Jesus always got to the core of the problem.
C. Sometimes Jesus instigated conflict. John 2:14-16
1) His challenge of the moneychangers.
a) No one else had disputed the practice.
2) Writer's family history of protecting the silence:
A newly published author spoke on the radio one day about
this forthcoming book.
In the course of the conversation, he shared stories of
his mother's heroin addiction, the murder attempts she
had made on her husband, and her eventual suicide
when the author was 16 years old.
For 15 years after his mother's death, no one in his family
spoke to one another about any of these experiences.
Finally, one day he and his sister began talking.
The author confessed, "Together we protected the silence,
which is what we were taught to do from a young age."
#25715
a) It can be unhealthy to keep the peace at any price.
b) Perhaps real peace requires some conflict first.
3) Be careful! Is it creative healing or just trouble-making?
a) Don't start conflict where it doesn't need to be.
b) What are your motives?
c) What is the potential outcome?
V. Jesus almost always dealt with conflict non-violently.
A. Reconciliation was a top priority. Matt 5:23-24
1) Instead of win/lose, seek resolution. [Les Brown] #18742
2) Take the initiative. (nip in bud)
3) Don't be trapped by negatives but seek positive.
a) Instead of confrontation, seek cooperation.
b) Be flexible.
4) Redirect your energy to a commitment to a greater good.
B. He rejected revenge. Matt 5:43-45,47
1) Positive response is always better.
2) Give it to God.
VI. Conflict is not limited to humans.
A. Our greatest conflict may be with God.
1) We may be angry at him for events in our life.
2) We may reject his moral demands on us.
B. Though we may oppose God, he loves us. Rom 5:10
1) "When we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him."
C. Those who are reconciled with God must become reconcilers.
2 Corinthians 5:18
=========================================================================
SOURCES FOR ILLUSTRATIONS USED IN THIS SERMON:
Key ideas in this sermon (and the series) are from "The Road Toward
Wholeness" by Mary Tuomi Hammond, Judson Press, 1998. See chapter
summary below.
# 3947 "To Illustrate: Conflict," by Gerald Cornelius, Azle, Texas, in
Leadership Journal (America Online).
#13857 "Tennessee's Three-kick Rule," Dave Stone, Dynamic Preaching
weekly email, www.sermons.com, April 7, 2002.
#18742, "Resolving Conflict," Les Brown, Messages From the Masters;
editor Jim Rohn, January 17, 2001.
#25715 "Keeping the Corrosive Silence," Mary Tuomi Hammand in book
"The Road Toward Wholeness," Judson Press, 1998, page ??.
These and 25,000 others are part of a database that can be downloaded,
absolutely free, at http://www.holwick.com/database.html
=========================================================================
Mary Tuomi Hammond, "The Road Toward Wholeness." Judson Press.
I. Conflict is difficult for many to handle.
A. Codependents avoid conflict.
B. How Hammond handled angry phone calls while on school board.
1) Listened quietly.
2) Asked questions and took notes.
3) Reflect on it and call back.
a) Time to gather more information.
b) Time to let caller cool off.
II. Jesus faced conflict throughout his ministry.
A. Opposition from religious leaders.
B. Death threats were common.
III. He used different approaches in dealing with it.
A. Sometimes he walked away from conflict. Luke 4:18-19
1) Codependents can use separation to deal with troubled
marriages.
a) We cannot change them.
b) But we can take responsibility for our own actions.
2) Jesus himself had limited influence at times.
a) He did few miracles in Nazareth because of unbelief.
3) Unhealthy cycles must be broken.
a) Important to discern when or if to disengage.
B. He often diffused conflict by challenging his opponents.
1) He challenged them to look at their perspectives in
new ways. John 8:4-7
a) Most conflicts hide the real issues.
b) In John 8, they really want to get rid of Jesus,
not judge the woman.
c) Jesus always got to the core of the problem.
C. Sometimes he exposed conflict.
1) His challenge of the moneychangers.
a) No one else had disputed the practice.
2) Writer's family history of protecting the silence.
a) It can be unhealthy to keep the peace at any price.
3) Jesus always dealt with conflict non-violently.
a) He suggests various ways to mend relationships.
1> Reconciliation was a top priority. Matt 5:23-24
2> He rejected revenge. Matt 5:43-45,47
________________________________________________________________________
Other resources:
EVANGELICAL ILLUSTRATION DATABASE ID Number: 17540
David Holwick Collection
SOURCE: Baptist Press, http://www.baptistpress.org/
TITLE: Conflict Isn't Always Bad
AUTHOR: Mandy Crow
DATE: 7/9/02
ILLUSTRATION:
In ministry, conflict is sure to surface and it's not always bad.
"There are some things that can be helpful and some good that can be achieved if we handle it well," said Art Groomes, pastoral ministry specialist in the church resources division of LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention.
Conflict creates a challenge, Groomes said, and moving forward depends on trusting God. Conflict handled appropriately can lead to growth and a refocusing of God's Great Commission, he added.
Groomes discussed the realities, perspectives, forms and stages of conflict as part of a conference dealing with resolving conflict within the church.
While conflict is a necessary part of life, church leaders need to learn to deal with the tensions it causes in a more positive manner, Groomes said, noting that differences arise in the church simply because many different kinds of people take part in various areas and ministries.
"We want to deal with it in a way that's constructive, not destructive," Groomes said. "We want to deal with it in a way that brings honor to the Lord."
Conflict doesn't simply go away on its own and shouldn't be ignored, he said, because it can drastically affect worship and tarnish a church's witness to the world.
"Conflict impairs the witness of the church," he said. "A lot of times newcomers will recognize that. People we are inviting -- they will know it and they won't return. Why not confront that and resolve it so that there's an atmosphere where people want to be accepted?"
Conflict is marked by five stages, Groomes said: tension, role dilemma, blaming, confrontation and adjustment.
It is important to evaluate the potential for conflict and address it at the earliest stage, he noted.
Different forms of conflict can exist, particularly intrapersonal, interpersonal and substantive, he said, citing the Bible as a source of answers for how to handle internal conflict, particularly Matthew 5.
"Go to the opposing individual," he said. "Invite other people to help you in that process. And [if the conflict is not resolved] we need to tell the matter to the body. We need to communicate it to the body of Christ."
If these biblical steps don't resolve the situation, Groomes discussed the reality of obeying God's Word.
"Then, we deal with the offender as one who is outside of the family of God," he said. "Are we trying to be mean? No, that's not the goal at all. ... We want to bring resolution. We want to bring this thing to a positive end. We are not trying to hurt anyone.... We want the body of Christ to move forward in a cooperative fashion."
Groomes suggested several guidelines for the conflict resolution
process:
-- withdrawing from conflict with integrity when emotions run high.
-- sharing accurate information.
-- identifying areas of agreement.
-- examining the issues.
-- celebrating workable solutions.
-- reviewing solutions progress.
"Conflict may never be a bucket of fun," Groomes said. "It may never be a barrel of laughs, but I believe it is an opportunity for good rather than evil."
*
___________________________________________________
EVANGELICAL ILLUSTRATION DATABASE ID Number: 18742
David Holwick Collection
SOURCE: Internet: Messages From the Masters; editor Jim Rohn
TITLE: Resolving Conflict
AUTHOR: Les Brown
DATE: 1/17/01
ILLUSTRATION:
RESOLVING CONFLICT
==================
I've done a lot of research on the topic and here are a few tips I've come up with for resolving conflict:
DON'T BE AFRAID OF CONFLICT. Too many of us become agitated when we encounter conflict or disagreement out of concern and fear. It's odd when you think about it, because conflict is a part of nature, a part of life. Unless you are a hermit, odds are that conflict is inescapable. And so, you need to approach conflict calmly, as an expected part of dealing with others. Consider conflict a way of learning to see things more clearly.
Abandon the concept of WINNING AND LOSING when faced with conflict. Instead, adopt a strategy of resolution. Unless you are on a battlefield, chances are the person you come into conflict with is not The Enemy, but instead is probably someone whose goals are generally the same as yours, or at least interrelated with yours.
BE FLEXIBLE. When the other side senses that you are interested in finding a solution, you likely will have created an ally where a potential adversary once stood. Rather than confrontation and conflict, you can work together in cooperation to find a solution that suits both sides.
AVOID NEGATIVE or confrontational language. Rather than "buts" and "you're wrongs" try using positive language that disarms rather than confronts, such as "I understand your position and..." or "I can see your point and here is where I'm coming from...".
TALK THROUGH THE SITUATION with a neutral party to gain perspective and clarity from that person, and also to better understand the conflict through talking it out. It is always helpful to get a problem out in the open and to get input from people you trust and people who understand your frame of reference so that they can help you better understand what you are going through and tell you, for better or worse, whether they think you have properly judged or handled the situation.
Rather than approaching the conflict with the attitude of stopping it or overcoming it, think of REDIRECTING THE ENERGY toward a common target. Look for similarities in your positions rather than focusing on your differences. Although war is part of our nature, most successful societies have been built on cooperation. Common goals are great unifiers. How many stories have you heard of strangers acting together in times of emergency? When a common goal is made obvious the natural reaction is to put differences aside.
Make a MUTUAL COMMITMENT TO THE GREATER GOOD. Whether it is to a successful television show that will employ both sides, or the manufacture of a product of a good or the offering of a service that is the source of your mutual wealth, there is undoubtedly a common focus in your lives that should be the center of your attentions.
FIND SOMETHING TO DISTRACT you from the conflict. Take off on a vacation or weekend getaway, a new project, or a family outing, so that you can clear your mind, reevaluate your position, and perhaps come back to it with a fresh vision of what needs to be done to resolve the matter.
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Les Brown is an internationally recognized speaker and author.
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