Proverbs 12_13-19      Family Communication

Rev. David Holwick  W                                     [well-received]

First Baptist Church

Ledgewood, New Jersey

July 14, 1996

Proverbs 12:13-19


GETTING YOUR POINT ACROSS



  I. Are you getting it across?

      A. Let your family be the judge.

          1) How would you rate me as a communicator?  (1-100)

          2) How free do you feel to share with me?

              a) What makes you afraid to share?

          3) What are differences in our social background that might

                cause conflict?

              a) Do I have habits that bother you?

                 (My sister Kristy's visit, and strange quirks she has.

                  Celeste responds - "It has to be genetic!")

              b) Are there things important to you I am failing to do?


      B. We are probably not doing as well as we think.

          1) Statistics reveal trouble, according to a study that reports

                50 percent of wives say their husbands don't communicate.

             Another study reports that 86 percent of divorces were

                fueled by deficient communication.

                                                                    #3750

          2) Communication is a complicated thing.

              a) Important stuff often gets lost in the translation.


             As the Lewis and Clark expedition pushed deeper into the

                continent, communication became more and more difficult.

             When they encountered the hostile Teton Sioux, they

                discovered that their best interpreter knew only a few

                   simple words.

             As a result, understanding broke down and the expedition

                was almost exterminated.

             When Lewis made a vocabulary of the Hidatsa Indian language,

                a native speaker would say a word to Sacagawea.

             She was a Shoshone who understood Hidatsa, and she would

                pass it on in Shoshone to her French husband Charbonneau,

                   who would pass it on in French to another Frenchman,

                     who would translate it into English for Lewis.


             Since his English was lousy, Lewis was never sure he got

                it right.

                                                                    #3815

              b) Families often communicate like hostile tribes.

              c) But when we do get it right, communication has an impact.


II. Words matter.

      A. Think of times words have had an impact in your life.      #3817

          1) Praise from football coach.

          2) Wise words of advice from grandma.

          3) Loving whispers from girlfriend.

          4) Also searing sentences.


               Tim Stafford's mother was a great knitter.

               She never went to meetings without her ball of yarn and

                  a sweater-in-progress.

               One of her outstanding creations was a bright red

                  cable-knit sweater she gave him for Christmas when

                     he was in the seventh grade.

               It was very distinctive and attractive.

               Tim proudly wore it to school, where a boy noticed it and

                  looked it over critically.

               "It looks like a girl's sweater," he said.

               Tim never wore the sweater out of the house again.

                                                                    #3817


      B. God created world by speaking.

          1) And Jesus will destroy Satan with a single word.

          2) Therefore pay attention to how you speak.

          3) Be conscious of HOW you deliver words.


      C. Bible speaks much of controlling the tongue.

          1) Examples:

              a) Proverbs.

              b) Jam 3:2-5

          2) It is a small instrument with much power.


III. Train yourself to communicate effectively.

      A. You can do it.


         Counselor Gary Chapman says communication is key to achieving

            an intimate, lasting marriage.

         He claims any couple can have good communication.

         It's not a matter of personality, even when a person who tends

            toward a "Dead Sea" personality has a spouse who tends

               toward a "Babbling Brook" personality.

         "Communication is basically an act of the will," he says.

            "It's something we choose to do or not do."

         For example, learn and discuss each other's interests in life,

            ask each other for advice and give compliments.

                                                                     #3750


      B. It may not seem natural.

          1) Tim Stafford's experience.

              a) Grew up in a blunt family.  "That's dumb."

              b) In college, others avoided him and had wrong impression.

              c) He deliberately changed his way of speaking.

              d) He felt like a phony, but it worked.

          2) Like using left foot for soccer - feels unnatural, but

                you eventually get the hang of it.

              a) Seems phony, but is not.

              b) Decent communication skills lead to deeper friendships.

              c) Others benefit when we know how to talk.


IV. Importance of affirmation.

      A. Deliberately seek to bring out family members' good points.


      B. Communicate deeper feelings like love.

          1) Rebecca at mission camp.

              a) A sense that she is growing up and moving away.

              b) Tell her how you really feel about her?

              c) Do we always wait until it's too late?

          2) My sister Kristy - lots of time, no "heart-to-heart" talking.


      C. Affirmation has a powerful influence on people.


  V. Conflict - When every word counts.

      A. Temporary time outs.                    Prov 10:19; 11:12; 12:16

          1) Avoid saying or doing anything at that moment that later

                might be regretted.

          2) Examine within yourself why you're angry.

          3) Then, set a time to talk.

              a) Take five-minute turns voicing your feelings without

                    interruption.

              b) The average person will listen to his or her spouse 17

                   seconds before interrupting.

              c) Screaming, is a behavior we learn -- and it can be

                    unlearned.

                 Negative feelings can be expressed in kinder words.

              d) "There are no conflicts that cannot be resolved,

                      there are only people who will not resolve them."

                                                                    #3750


      B. Limit criticism.


         What about behaviors that "bug" you about your spouse?

         Gary Chapman suggests voicing only one criticism a week for the

            partner to work at changing.

         "Don't give an overdose" of criticism that sparks a blowup

            or kills the partner's motivation to change, he says.

         Many couples, unfortunately, are destroying their marriages

            by giving each other overdoses every day.

         Constructive criticism should be voiced only when the

            partner has been given time to become emotionally ready.

         It should not be before a meal when the partner may be

            hungry and prone to irritability.

         If a partner can change the behavior, do it, since marriage

            is ministry to the other partner.

         And if a partner will not or cannot change the behavior, the

            other partner must work at remembering that biblical love

               accepts many imperfections.

                                                                   #3750


      C. Keep channels open.

          1) Be first to break a silence.

          2) Don't demand reciprocation.

          3) Seek out kids on a daily basis.


VI. Jesus says our words reveal our real selves.        Matthew 12:34-37

      A. Speech is never truly accidental.

          1) A mouth opens, and out pops a heart.

          2) Proof is found when we try to change.

              a) Eliminate harsh words and they still crop up.

              b) It's not just careless words, but yourself.


      B. We need to be transformed by God.



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