Rev. David Holwick J Lies Christians Believe
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
March 8, 2015
Proverbs 19:13-14,18
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I. What do you think of your family?
A. You are supposed to say you love your family.
1) America has an "Ozzie and Harriet" image of a family.
a) (For the younger generation, this was a TV show in the
1950s that portrayed the Nelsons, a real family who
followed fictional scripts for each episode.)
b) Everyone gets along.
c) Occasional minor irritations add spice.
2) Christian families are the most perfect.
a) We have the love of Jesus so we have no problems.
b) We always laugh and sing together.
B. On deeper reflection, we may have some issues with our family.
1) There are things you hold in your heart that never come
out of your mouth, but you think about it often.
2) There are things that come out of our mouths that we
want to stay within our families.
3) We all have that ideal image in our minds, and know that
our real family doesn't measure up.
a) Even Ricky Nelson was a chronic drug user.
4) For some families, it falls very far from the ideal.
He was known as a gifted preacher, eloquent, intense,
captivating in his deep, booming voice.
He was a trustee of one of the largest seminaries in the
country and had the honor of preaching the convention
sermon for Southern Baptists in Alabama in 1993.
At home, though, he said he was "the great pretender," who
was guarding the secret of a crumbling marriage.
The evil was not infidelity, not the so-called "pressures"
of the ministry.
The real causes, he said, were his "pride and stubbornness,"
years of anger and bitterness toward his wife that led
him to despair.
On February 26, 1995, Don Graham, age 54, stepped up to the
pulpit to make a confession and resign his position.
"At the end of January, the Lord found me a bitter, angry
and defeated man whose family was crumbling and whose
spiritual life was disintegrating," he told his church.
"I lost all joy of service, of ministry, and the joy of
salvation.
Driven by pride, I ignored my wife's appeals over the years.
I refused to value her opinions and disregarded her."
"Many is the time," Graham said, "that I let the sun go down
on my wrath."
A marriage counselor was brave enough to ask the tough
questions, unimpressed with Graham's reputation.
He made Graham fill in a list of all the things he had done
to wound his wife.
After 31 entries, he couldn't stand it any longer.
That same Sunday his wife, Jean, also read a confession that
described her as lacking any hope that the wounds would heal.
In her statement, she confessed to a self-centered and
judgmental character:
She told them, "I had a master's degree in critical spirit,
and I was not submissive."
The congregation immediately expressed its forgiveness, but
the resignation was final.
The pastor and his wife said they were uncertain of the future
but certain "God wants us to focus on rebuilding our
marriage."
#3747
C. No family is perfect, but Christians can have better ones.
1) The Old Testament tells us that families give us support
and a sense of belonging.
2) The New Testament assumes that church leaders will have
families that are united and disciplined.
3) It also tells us that the ultimate solution to a troubled
family is not love. [It is faith]
II. Every family has issues.
A. You may have issues with your spouse.
1) Spouses can disappoint.
a) Their irritating habits can gnaw on us.
b) Controlling demeanors and nagging spirits can dissipate
any joy you once had.
I like a Hallmark card a wife gave to her husband.
The cover said, "I love you more today than yesterday."
Inside it said, "Yesterday you really got on my
nerves."
#27674
c) Once you let the "root of bitterness" take over,
your family may never recover.
2) Even strong Christians have had issues with spouses.
a) Great spiritual leaders George Whitefield and John
Wesley had lousy marriages.
b) Whitefield once left on a ship for America without
telling his wife he was going - she found out six
weeks later.
B. You may have issues with your children.
1) There is a lot of joy when a couple finds out they are
going to have a baby.
a) The unspoken truth - children are a great deal of work.
b) They are very expensive.
c) They cause a lot of stress in a marriage.
2) Our children may not live up to our ideals for them.
a) They may not love sports like you do.
b) They may not value education or have the same work ethic.
c) Often, they challenge the spiritual beliefs we want
them to accept.
3) Maybe they will get involved in terrible things.
a) Drug addiction, alcoholism, crime.
b) It doesn't just happen to other families, "bad" families.
C. Problems can come from far outside your home.
1) Relatives can interfere.
2) Economic downturns devastate many families.
a) Just when you get a handle on it, the bottom drops out.
b) Who can you take out your frustration on - your loved
ones make convenient targets.
III. Even Bible families experienced these issues.
A. The heroes of faith had dysfunctional homes.
1) Adam and Eve played a blame game with each other.
2) Cain, the first born human, murdered his brother. Gen 4:8
3) Sarah, the wife of Abraham and a most gorgeous woman by
popular opinion, let her husband sleep with another
woman and then hated her for it. Gen 16
4) Job, the epitome of faith, suffered from the nagging of
a faithless wife. Job 2:9
5) Samson, who put Arnold Schwarzenegger to shame, had a wife
who betrayed him for money. He ended up taking his own
life. Judg 16
6) King Saul was so proud he decided to kill his own son, but
his army wouldn't let him. 1 Sam 14:44
7) David, the apple of God's eye, concealed his adultery with
a murder. His family was marred by sexual abuse and
internal violence thereafter. 2 Sam 11
#35123
B. Every family has to deal with a common reality - human sin.
Pastor John MacArthur is a famous TV preacher who also does
a lot of counseling on the side.
And he hears a lot of griping about families. He remarks:
"I hear people say, 'But I come from a dysfunctional family.'
Join the human race!
I come from a dysfunctional family, I conduct a dysfunctional
family, I am a dysfunctional human being, and so are you.
"I cannot function the way God made me to function.
I cannot do what I am supposed to do.
I do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I want to
do - I am dysfunctional!
I was raised with dysfunctional people.
I still live with dysfunctional people, and they live with a
dysfunctional person.
That's the way it is if you are fallen."
#965
All of us are fallen, but failure doesn't have to be our
destiny.
God has a way for us to find joy and closeness.
a) Admit our sin to God - and to each other.
b) Experience the wonder of God's forgiving grace, and
then show it to those we love.
c) Remember that our love is commitment and actions more
than a feeling.
IV. Building better families.
A. Acknowledge the issues in your home.
1) Don't ignore problems, but deal with them.
2) Think about where you want to end up, and work to get there.
a) For some, this may require counseling, which can help.
b) For others, they can deal with it on their own.
c) But definitely deal with it.
B. Affirm the positive things in each other.
1) And squelch the negative.
2) Science proves the validity of this:
The BBC reports that psychologist John Gottman has done
extensive research on the interaction of couples.
He asks couples to discuss their most contentious
issues and looks at how they communicate.
He doesn't just listen - he also measures their blood
pressure, skin conductivity, and the sentiments of
what is being said.
By doing this he has come up with a mathematical
algorithm, a formula.
After he analyzes a couple, he can predict with 90%
accuracy if they are likely to get divorced.
How to not get divorced?
Have a deep-seated positive view of your mate.
When they do something that bothers you, dismiss it
as being out of the ordinary - "She's just tired."
If you hold on to negative beliefs, and reinforce them
with bad behavior, you are headed for divorce court.
Couples with the lowest negativity thresholds do the
best - don't let the bad stuff pile up on you.
#64760
That's why the Bible wisely says, do not let the sun
go down while you are still angry. (Eph 4:25)
3) You should also celebrate the positive.
a) One pastor recommends displaying your wedding pictures.
b) It was a happy occasion. Maybe it has been all downhill
from there, but remember where you started and try
to get back there.
C. Run a tight ship.
1) The Bible stresses discipline and control in families.
a) The book of Proverbs is framed as a father's advice
to his son.
1> Verse 19 is typical - sons need to be disciplined
or they will destroy themselves.
b) In the New Testament, deacons/elders are expected to
have their kids under control.
2) This concept has often been reduced to corporal punishment.
a) You need to spank them a lot.
b) It is pretty controversial these days.
1> Just this week, the nation of France was faulted
by the Council of Europe for failing to ban
spanking.
2> 44 countries in the world ban the practice
everywhere, including in the home, and 27 of
these countries are in Europe. [1]
c) Discipline is far more than spanking.
1> It means you set clear guidelines and boundaries
for your kids.
2> And you enforce them consistently.
D. Put faith at the center.
1) Paul - when you marry, choose a believer. 1 Cor 7:39
a) Don't just make that a check-off requirement.
b) Live the faith with each other.
1> Talk about the Lord and the thoughts you have
about him.
2> Pray with each other.
3> Make the ups and downs of life object lessons of
faith.
2) Marriage can be good with God.
Princeton's Jonathan Edwards is a wonderful case study.
This man was one of the leaders of the first great
religious awakening (revival) in America.
At the end of his life he became president of what
is now Princeton University, where he is buried.
He was one of those blessed Christian leaders who have
a good marriage.
Jonathan's wife was 6 feet tall and stunning.
Sarah Edwards gave him 11 children.
On one occasion when Sarah was away from the house to
attend a funeral, Jonathan wrote a letter to her:
"Please come home. Things are falling apart here."
One of his last acts before he died was to send this
message to Sarah:
"Give my kindest love to my dear wife, and tell her
that the uncommon union, which has so long subsisted
between us,
has been of such a nature as I trust is spiritual and
therefore will continue forever."
#64638
V. Go the distance.
A. Family life is hard, but it can be fulfilling.
1) The struggles can sharpen you into a better person.
2) You are molding future generations.
B. Even when there seems to be little hope, hang on.
1) Opening illustration about Don and Jean Graham - I came
across their story 20 years ago.
2) When Jean said she was uncertain of their future, I got
curious. What happened to them?
3) I decided to Google them and guess what I found - they
are still married.
C. Keep God as the third strand of your marriage.
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SOURCES FOR ILLUSTRATIONS USED IN THIS SERMON:
[1] “France Is Rebuked Over Corporal Punishment by Parents,” Aurelien
Breeden, New York Times, March 4, 2015,
<http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/05/world/europe/france-faulted-for-not-banning-
corporal-punishment.html>.
# 965 “Christian Counseling: Putting On the Lord Jesus,” Rev. John
MacArthur, Jr., Grace Community Church of Panorama City,
California, 1991.
# 3747 “Confessing ‘Pride and Pretense,’ Prominent Alabama Pastor Resigns,”
Mark Baggett, Online Christianity Today (America Online),
February 26, 1995. Confirmation they are still married:
<http://www.dongraham.org/dongraham1.html>]
#27674 “I Love You More, In Perspective,” David Owen, New Yorker Magazine,
Article: “Card Tricks.”
#35123 “Preaching the Messy Lives of the Bible,” Ron Forseth,
SermonCentral.com email newsletter, February 25, 2008.
#64638 “Famous Marriages ‘Breathe Life’ For Couples,” David Roach,
Baptist Press, <http://www.baptistpress.org>, November 24, 2015.
#64760 “The Mathematical Formula For Love,” Hannah Fry, British
Broadcasting Corporation, February 8, 2015,
<http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-31168242>.
These and 35,000 others are part of the Kerux database that can be
downloaded, absolutely free, at http://www.holwick.com/database.html
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