Rev. David Holwick KICK-OFF SUNDAY
First Baptist Church
West Lafayette, Ohio
August 25, 1985
Discipline in the Family
Proverbs 22:6, KJV
Every family faces the dilemma: How do you raise perfect children? The easiest solution is to become a preacher. But for most families perfect children are a goal that cannot be reached. You put your best effort into them and hope for the best.
There are about as many theories on how to raise kids as there are parents. Some of these theories are based on pretty flimsy foundations. A popular one is that children are innocent bundles of purity. If adults would only leave them alone, kids would grow up without any hang-ups or problems. This line of thought says you should never inhibit a child by saying "No" or punishing them.
The Romanic view of child raising has lost some of its luster because it just doesn't work. Children are not all purity and sweetness. Proverbs 22:15 claims:
"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child."
This is certainly not a total description but as far as it goes, it rings true. Kids do stupid things. They do dangerous things. And they can even do mean and spiteful things.
The testimony of the Bible is that children need to have guidelines which are consistently enforced. This is what discipline is all about. It won't make your kids perfect but without it they will be far from perfect. The duty of parents is to show children the choices they will face and try to guide them to make the right ones. Proverbs 22:6 sums this up and adds a promise:
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
When most people think of discipline, one thing sticks in the mind - punishment.
A few years back Bill Cosby produced some albums that focused on his childhood. In one story, Bill and his brother Russell, whom he slept with, goofed off in their room all night long. As a climax, they used their bed as a trampoline, till it broke - dead silence - then the dreaded footsteps in the hall. Their door swung open and there stood their father, with the hallway light reflecting off his gut. In his hand he held the "Belt". The "Belt" was four feet long, three feet wide, and had hooks on it to rip the meat off your body.
Different families have different weapons. Carol Cutshall uses a wooden spoon, which was used on her when she was little. If you think Carol must have been a perfect little girl, you should know that the wooden spoon is split in half.
My father never used a weapon - only his hand. That hand could cause internal hemorrhaging.
The Bible has a fair amount to say about punishment. Proverbs 13:24 says:
"He that spareth his rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."
Proverbs 19:18 says:
"Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying."
And it wouldn't be complete without Proverbs 23:13 -
"Withhold not correction from the child, for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die."
To our ears, these verses sound like abuse, especially beating with a rod. Even if we realize the rod is like a wooden spoon, we may still react against the biblical focus on punishment. Many people today feel punishment should be banned altogether. Psychologist John Valusek believes violence in America will stop when spanking stops. He says, "Spanking is the first half-inch on the yardstick of violence. It is followed by hitting and ultimately by rape, murder and assassination." In the nation of Sweden, spanking in now illegal.
I believe spanking is acceptable, as long as it is not used as an end in itself. Any punishment must only be used to counter a deliberate disobedience. If you have set clear standards and your child willfully disobeys, you should be prepared to administer justice. This does not teach them to be violent - it should teach them about reality.
Families are in a constant struggle to see who sets the standards. Norman Wright gives a humorous illustration of this. Imagine a Martian coming to our world and landing in your front yard. He steps out of his spaceship and rings the doorbell at your home. Suppose one of your children opens the door and the Martian says, "Take me to your leader." Who would the child go to? The father? The mother? Or would your child say, "I am the leader here, I'm in charge here."
If parents aren't setting the standards in a family then the kids are. At a very tender age, children learn to test the limits that are placed on them and they never let up. A very famous expert on children wrote: "Inability to be firm is to my mind, the most common problem of parents today." The expert's name is Dr. Benjamin Spock. And contrary to popular opinion, Dr. Spock believes in spanking disobedient kids.
Several principles are necessary for punishment to be effective. First of all, it should be consistent. If you spank a child for something one time, and let them off the hook the next, you will only confuse the child. It is important for both parents to be in agreement on their approach to discipline. If you don't agree, your kids will soon learn to play off one of you against the other.
A second principle is to be clear why you are disciplining them. The purpose of discipline is not to break their spirit. It is to reinforce the code of behavior you expect from them.
A third principle, and a very important one, is never to strike a child in anger. This is where abuse steps in. What the child has done may make you angry, but you should have control over your emotions. Sudden slaps or screaming matches will make the disobedient child feel they are on an equal level with you.
Training up a child in the way they should go involves far more than punishment. The other side of discipline concerns rewards. Every once in a while children do what you want them to do. When this happens, be sure to let them know you appreciate it. Punishment shows them what they shouldn't be doing - rewards show them what you wanted them to do to begin with. Rewards can be simple praise, special privileges or anything that will motivate the child to do better.
In Ephesians 6:4 the apostle Paul emphasizes the importance of being positive. He says:
"And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
To nurture is to "mother" them, which we usually don't associate with fathers.
Family discipline must cover every area of life. We all want our children to be honest, considerate of older people, peaceable and obedient. We should also discipline our children to honor God.
How many in this church today were taught by their parents to love this book and the person it represents? That's a good number. Now how many of you have done as good a job with your own children? The Chinese have an old proverb - "One generation plants the tree and the next gets the shade."
Each succeeding generation starts from scratch when it comes to the knowledge of God. Babies can't automatically quote John 3:16 from heart. These things need to be taught.
Some people say that religion is very personal and people must make up their own minds when they become adults. It is true that you cannot force people to become Christians, but you can expose them to what it means. A choice is only meaningful if both sides are presented, yet many parents leave their children in darkness when it comes to spiritual matters. If a little one can learn about hot stoves, they can learn about Jesus.
Deuteronomy 6:6 gives God's idea of spiritual discipline. He says:
"And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in your heart. And you shall teach them diligently to your children...."
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Typed on March 31, 2005, by Sharon Lesko of Ledgewood Baptist Church, New Jersey
Note from Pastor Holwick: It has now been twenty years since I have preached this sermon and my four children are well into the teenage years and beyond. Preaching this today, I would de-emphasize corporal punishment and stress the importance of clear boundaries and active daily engagement in the lives of our children.
Copyright © 2024 by Rev. David Holwick
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