Rev. David Holwick R
First Baptist Church
Ledgewood, New Jersey
May 26, 1996
Romans 12:10-12
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I. Your family life can be satisfying.
A. Last week focused on what can go wrong.
1) This week I want to show how to make your family go right.
2) There are happy families out there.
3) Yours can be one of them.
B. It begins with an attitude.
1) Be devoted to each another. Rom 12:10
a) Honor, cherish your family (especially spouse).
b) Consider them to be worth the effort.
2) Accept one another. Rom 15:7
a) Write down spouse's traits you like.
b) Write down spouse's traits you dislike.
1> Thank God for them.
2> We hope they can change, but we are prepared
to accept them as they are.
c) Ask self: what can I do to help my family become happy?
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3) Love one another.
a) This requires hard work, not just emotion.
b) Civility and cooperation must be learned.
c) Counselor Gary Chapman says love should be seen as
five languages:.
1> Words of affirmation.
2> Gifts.
3> Acts of service.
4> Quality time.
5> Physical touch.
II. Words of affirmation that build up the other person.
A. Positive feedback and compliments. Eph 4:26?
1) For simple things like meals.
2) Appearance, conduct at school.
3) (Letter of thanks to my father for years of love at his
65th birthday.)
B. "If you affirm something, you'll get it."
III. Gifts, showing that you think of them.
A. Gifts do not buy me love.
"Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned."
Song of Solomon 8:7
B. But they are concrete expressions of love.
Arnold Prater, in his book YOU CAN HAVE JOY!, tells about a
man in a little English village named John Deckard.
John was a clerk in a textile factory.
A modest and quiet man, he lived in an ordinary little house
at the edge of town with his wife and his six-year-old
son, Rob.
Like thousands of Englishmen, every morning John put on his
plain tweed suit, got on his bicycle, and rode to work.
Returning home at five in the evening, he would work in his
garden until suppertime.
Then he would spend a quiet evening with his pipe and family.
He was a very ordinary man living what most people would call
a very ordinary life.
But he had one claim to fame.
For five consecutive years John had won the blue ribbon in
the Village Garden Show with his prize rose.
It had gone on so long that people had come to expect it.
John Deckard's prize rose would win, and that was that.
This year, deep in his own heart, John Deckard knew that he
would again win the blue ribbon, for this year his rose was
truly a rose among roses.
Never had he seen such perfection in a flower.
This was his masterpiece and as he watched it daily, his
contentment and pride grew.
The show was on Saturday and he planned to transplant his
rose to a pot early in the morning.
But while he was at breakfast, the tragedy happened.
His little son Rob burst into the kitchen, and chatting
excitedly he rushed to the table and cried, "Look Daddy,
look what I have for you!"
And in his grimy little hand, half its petals gone, its head
drooping, was John Deckard's prize rose.
That afternoon, visitors to the Garden Show were astonished
when they came to John Deckard's entry.
For in a flower pot he had thrust a stick, and attached to
it, at the very top, was a picture of his little son, Rob.
When the judges heard what had happened, they gave John
Deckard an honorary blue ribbon.
Some said that the rose that was not a rose was the finest
he had ever grown.
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C. Small gifts count as much as big ones.
1) [Bill Cosby and giving nicked piece of wood to mom.]
IV. Acts of service.
A. Concept of service is at heart of Christian love.
1) World says sex is key to love, but Bible says
service is key to love.
2) Jesus set the example for us. (footwashing) John 13:12f
a) We need to set an example for our kids.
b) Even includes household chores such as vacuuming or
taking out the garbage.
B. We can fall back into love by serving our spouse.
1) Fixing breakfast for the family.
V. Spending quality time.
A. Make appointments for your family.
At a Promise Keepers' rally last summer the preacher gave
the men a test.
The true value of a man's life, he said, can be seen in his
wife's face.
One man in the audience winced when he heard that.
His name was Bill McCartney, and he is the found of P.K.
During a later rally he stood before thousands of men and
made a confession.
"My wife was in so much pain.
I became convicted that I was not doing everything I could
to bring my wife to splendor in Jesus Christ."
"Once I faced that, the issue became: Is continuing in
coaching the best way to do that?
For 32 years we had chased Bill McCartney's dreams, not
Lyndi's dreams.
She was married to a man who was so focused, so driven, so
possessed. ... It was like God opened my eyes."
Adding insult to injury, one of football's fiercest
competitors had added another obsession to his life --
Promise Keepers.
This nondenominational movement for men had grown from 4,200
in 1991 to 700,000 in 1995.
1996 will have three times as many rallies.
Just what McCartney's family needed: a showdown with God
and the gridiron.
Lyndi McCartney described one moment:
"I told him I needed to be on his calendar, so he began
penciling me in.
But then I got erased a couple of times.
So I went back and told him I wanted to be written in ink --
'It's ink or nothing,' I said."
The coach listened, concluding that he had been sinfully
selfish -- a taker, not a giver.
As the 1994 regular season ended, he took advantage of a exit
clause in his 15-year contract and quit.
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B. Where we spend our time shows our real priorities.
1) Show your family you care.
a) Special time builds unity in family.
b) Jesus took disciples to quiet Caesarea Philippi.
2) Going to ball games, kids' concerts, family picnics.
a) Special overnights with spouse.
VI. Physical touch.
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth--for your love
is more delightful than wine."
Song of Solomon 1:2
A. The power of affection.
1) (Church in Tacoma, Washington, had "holy dancing."
Lots of divorces resulted.)
2) Used correctly, affection can bind us together.
a) Hug kids.
b) Nuzzle spouse.
B. Be committed to fidelity. Prov 6:20-25
1) Do not take unnecessary risks. 2 Tim 2:22
2) Be aware of subtle dangers. Prov 5:23
VII. Our families can be sources of strength and contentment.
A. Make it happen.
B. Set an example for future generations.
C. Love as God has loved you.
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"Building a Fulfilled Marriage," by Skip Gray. DJ #32, p13.
I. Learning to live. (Stages of marriage, paralleling Israel in
Promised Land) Deut 8:1*
A. We must LEARN to live together.
1) Takes hard work.
a) Main impetus should come through husband. Eph 5:22-33
b) Main obstacle is failure of husband.
2) Christ-like love from husband causes other things to grow.
a) Like a prophet, he will communicate.
b) Like a priest, he will intercede.
c) Like a king, he will lead.
B. Communication.
1) It takes twenty years of warming up to understand each other.
a) Reason Israel allowed newlyweds to skip war.
2) Questions to discern if you are a good communicator:
a) How would you rate me as a communicator? (1-100)
b) How free do you feel to share with me?
1> What makes you afraid to share?
c) What are differences in our social background that might
cause conflict?
1> Do I have habits that bother you?
2> Are there things important to you I am failing to do?
C. Intercession.
1) Pray for spouse.
2) Be specific.
D. Leadership. DJ #32, p. 13.
1) Takes even more time than others, to do well. (10 years)
2) Requires attention, protection, gentle care. Isa 40:11
3) Husbands cannot abdicate leadership.
a) Jacob realized his family needed gentle care. Gen 33:13f
b) Keep business and family in proper perspective.
II. Learning to increase or multiply.
A. Children.
B. Spiritual reproduction.
1) Only two things are eternal: God's Word and people.
C. What are the goals of your marriage? 2 Cor 5:10
1) Spiritual maturity of family should be a priority.
III. Possessing the land.
A. Enjoy what God has given you.
B. Time alone with Jesus.
1) More is needed, not less, as the years go by.
C. Time spent with spouse.
1) Kids and grandkids can pull us apart.
2) Pressures cannot be avoided, so plan on them. Prov 22:3
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"The Best-Kept Secrets of Family Life, Part 1" by Scott Morton.
DJ, #76, p. 64.
I. The secret of Contentment.
A. Don't fall into the "if only" trap.
B. Feasting doesn't produce happiness.
C. Give your kids time instead of toys.
II. The secret of Merriment.
A. Develop a family with a sense of fun.
B. Parental Grump Cycle.
1) Don't bring work problems home.
2) Establish a family fun night.
III. The secret of Service. DJ #76, p. 64.
A. World says sex is key to love.
B. Bible says commitment is key to love.
1) We can fall back into love by serving our spouse.
2) Fixing breakfast for the family.
"The Best-Kept Secrets of Family Life, Part 2" by Scott Morton.
DJ, #77, p. 102.
A. The secret of management.
B. Only one in the lead.
C. The secret of limits.
1) Discipline on purpose, not as a reaction. 1 Pet 3:9
2) Be consistent, be quick. Eccl 8:11
3) Make sure the discipline exacts a cost. Prov 20:30
4) Overlook a lot of foolishness. Prov 19:11
D. The secret of acceptance. Rom 15:7 #77, p. 102.
1) Write down spouse's traits you like.
2) Write down spouse's traits you dislike.
a) Thank God for them.
3) Ask self: what can I do to help my spouse become happy?
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